CHANGE IS GONNA COME

SOMEWHERE, ONE DAY, I READ A PASSAGE SENT SPECIFICALLY TO ME THAT SAID "GOD GIVES TO THOSE ACCORDING TO WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU WANT THE THINGS AROUND YOU TO CHANGE, YOU MUST FIRST CHANGE YOURSELF." IT HIT ME HARD...IT STRUCK A NERVE...IT PISSED ME OFF....IT HURT MY FEELINGS...IT SHATTERED MY VIEW OF WHO I AM...BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT NEVER LEFT MY MIND.
ALTHOUGH I KNOW I'M A GOOD PERSON, A DAMN GOOD WOMAN, A VERY GOOD MOTHER, AND A BEING RARE TO FIND, MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN PLAGUED BY NEGATIVITY. NEGATIVE PEOPLE, NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES, NEGATIVE CIRCUMSTANCES, NEGATIVE SURROUNDINGS, AND NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. BECAUSE OF MY LIFE'S JOURNEY, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I TRAINED MYSELF TO BE NEGATIVE. MY PESSIMISTIC MIND IS TRAINED TO ALWAYS EXPECT THE WORSE AND FOR SOME SICK REASON, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT, I WON'T BE LET DOWN IF IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. NEEDLESS TO SAY I CONTINUOUSLY FEEL LET DOWN. I TIMELESSLY WONDER WHY I DON'T HAVE PEACE OF MIND, WHY I CAN'T SLEEP, WHY I'M TORTURED BY NEGATIVE SITUATIONS, AND WHY I'VE EMBRACED NEGATIVE PEOPLE.
AS I LAY HERE TODAY, WITH THIS BRIGHT SUNNY SKY, FULL OF SORROW AND DARKNESS WITH UNWILLINGNESS TO EVEN GET OUT OF BED, I REALIZE THE CHANGE I'M SEEKING FOR LIES WITHIN ME. I HAVE ENDURED THE IMPOSSIBLE TIME AND AGAIN AND HAVEN'T HAD THE COMMON SENSE TO USE THAT SAME STRENGTH I USED TO GET THROUGH THOSE TIMES TO FIGHT THE BATTLE WITHIN ME. I DESERVE MORE THAN NEGATIVE PEOPLE, NEGATIVE CIRCUMSTANCES, NEGATIVE SITUATIONS, AND NEGATIVE SURROUNDINGS. YET, MY DEMEANOR SENDS OUT A CALLING CARD FOR ALL THINGS NEGATIVE TO COME MY WAY.
ALL THOSE SAYINGS AND INNUENDO'S....BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR...ETC. FINALLY MAKE SENSE. I CAN'T AND WON'T FIND PEACE OF MIND WITHIN OTHER PEOPLE, SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, MATERIAL THINGS, OR FINANCIAL SATISFACTION. IT'S TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE WITHIN ME.
WHAT SENSE DOES IT MAKE TO BE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES THAT THE WORLD HAS TO SEE IF YOU CONTINUE TO SLITHER LIKE A CATERPILLAR AND NEVER FIND THE COURAGE TO SPREAD YOUR WINGS? I KNOW MY WORTH AND I KNOW MY PURPOSE. WITH THAT BEING SAID, INSTEAD OF SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR OTHERS TO REALIZE IT, IT'S TIME I SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU. THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN AND WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW....IS "CHANGE IS GONNA COME."

WHAT DON'T KILL YOU....

TODAY I HAD, I GUESS WHAT SOME WOULD CALL, A REVELATION. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SPIRITUAL I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO REFLECT ON THE GOSPEL HYMN "GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING" AS YOU READ ALONG. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I AM VERY SPIRITUAL. MY FAMILY HAD A CHURCH WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND I HAVE NEVER LOST CONTACT WITH MY GOD. I PRAY REGULARLY AND THAT'S WHY "NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER." EVERYTHING THAT I EXPERIENCE IS A DAILY REMINDER OF "THE PURPOSE IN ME." I KNEW IF I DIDN'T WRITE ABOUT THIS, I WOULD FORGET IT LATER. I WILL PUT IT IN DETAIL IN MY BOOK, BUT HERE IS A BRIEF SYNOPSIS.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH ONE OF THE HARDEST EXPERIENCES THAT I'VE EVER HAD. I SAY ONE OF THE HARDEST EXPERIENCES BECAUSE THE OTHERS I DID NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER, THIS ONE I ALLOWED TO HAPPEN AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT. NEEDLESS TO SAY (BECAUSE I'M NOT REALLY READY TO TALK ABOUT IT I'LL JUST SAY) THAT IT'S BLOWN UP IN MY FACE. I'VE PRAYED ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND SOME HOW JUST NEVER RECEIVED THE RESPONSE THAT "I WANTED." HOWEVER, I CONTINUED TO GET THE SIGNS THAT I NEEDED. ANYWAY, WHILE TRYING TO PUT THIS SITUATION IN PERSPECTIVE FOR MYSELF, SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY THAT ALL I COULD DO WAS LAUGH AT. IT WASN'T REALLY FUNNY, BUT AGAIN REFLECT ON THAT HYMN. I'M SITTING IN A CAR DISCUSSING THE SITUATION AT HAND. AN ELDERLY WOMAN PULLS UP AND BLOCKS THE CAR OFF. WE WEREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, BUT IF WE WANTED TO WE COULDN'T. I PROMISE YOU THAT I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. THE WOMAN HAD GOSPEL MUSIC BLASTING OUT OF HER CAR, SO LOUD THAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS. TAMBOURINE IN HAND....AND SHE IS GOING TO TOWN....LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAR....SINGING THE LYRICS. I LAUGHED BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK (ALTHOUGH I KNOW FOR SURE THE SONG THAT THE WOMAN WAS PLAYING WAS NOT "GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING) WAS GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. HOW IRONIC IS THAT? I'VE SEEN A LOT OF CRAZY PEOPLE AND THINGS IN MY LIFE. FOR SOME REASON, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I DIDN'T PERCEIVE IT AS ANYTHING CRAZY. I PERCEIVED IT AS A MESSAGE THAT WAS SPECIFICALLY FOR ME. YOU SEE, OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH IN MY LIFE, THIS WAS THE HARDEST TO DEAL WITH FOR ME. IT WAS THE HARDEST TO ACCEPT...IT GAVE ME A REFLECTION OF ME AND THE PERCEPTION THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING OF MYSELF. WHEN I LEFT THAT SPOT, ALL OF MY PAIN WAS LIFTED AND I SUDDENLY BECAME STRONGER. I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I'D BEEN IN A VERY DARK PLACE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. NO MATTER HOW I APPEARED ON THE OUTSIDE, MY INSIDE WAS DARK AND BROKEN AND LONELY. I JUST WANT TO SAY OUT LOUD THAT I RECEIVED THAT MESSAGE. GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. I WAS BREAKING...I WAS BREAKING DOWN...AND NOW I'M REMINDED THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE AND OVERCOME IT ON MY OWN. I WAS AT THE POINT WHERE I THOUGHT I HAD NO MORE STRENGTH TO FIGHT ANOTHER BATTLE. AS CRAZY AS THIS SOUNDS, THAT TAMBOURINE, THAT WOMAN, THAT HYMN (NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS)....OPENED MY EYES. EVERY SINCE THAT MOMENT I'VE SAID TO MYSELF...YOU'RE OK....YOU WILL BE OK....YOU'VE SURVIVED WORSE....AND "WHAT DON'T KILL YOU WILL ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER."

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...and I just want to take a moment to give thanks to you all...especially the ones that were put here solely for the reason of reminding me that I have purpose.

I THINK TONIGHT WILL BE MY FIRST REAL NIGHT TO SLEEP AT PEACE.

GOOD NIGHT

CHEAT TO WIN AND LOSE

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WOULD NORMALLY BLOG ABOUT AND IS WAY OFF TOPIC FOR THE BOOK I'M WRITING. BUT, ONCE AGAIN, LIFE EXPERIENCES PLAY A PART IN WHERE MY MIND CHOOSES TO ROME. THAT'S WHAT THE BLOG SITE IS FOR RIGHT? I CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT ;) ANYWAY I'M SURE I WILL WRITE PLENTY OF BOOKS AND THIS SUBJECT IS LIABLE TO END UP IN ONE OF THEM. THIS TOPIC HAS BEEN ON MY MIND A LOT LATELY. SO I DECIDED TO BLOG ABOUT IT. I HOPE TO RECEIVE LOTS OF FEEDBACK BECAUSE I AM REALLY ANXIOUS TO SEE THE RESPONSES.

YEARS AGO I WAS TALKING TO AN ASSOCIATE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. SHE WAS IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP (WHATEVER THAT IS.) LET'S STOP PLAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, JUST LIKE I KNOW. HE WAS MARRIED, HAD A "BABY MOMMA," OR A BITCH. IT IS WHAT IT IS. SHE WAS SPRUNG, WASN'T LETTING GO, AND WANTED TO GET IN WHERE SHE COULD FIT IN (EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BITTY SPACE OF HIS WORLD.) ONE DAY, SHE WAS EXPLAINING HER POSITION TO ME AND THE MORE I LISTENED, THE MORE PATHETIC IT SOUNDED. SHE HAD PLAYED BOTH PARTS FOR HIM "WIFEY" AT ONE TIME AND "SIDELINE" AT OTHERS...WHENEVER HE WOULD GO BACK TO "HER" (WIFEY THAT IS.) SHE DESCRIBED THE UPS AND DOWNS AND THE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS THAT CAME ALONG WITH EACH POSITION. EVENTUALLY, SHE GAVE ME HER SYNOPSIS OF THE SITUATION: "I'D RATHER BE THE ONE HIS CHEATING WITH, THAN THE ONE HE'S CHEATING ON CAUSE I'M WINNING." IMMEDIATELY I THOUGHT WTF???????

NOW AT THIS TIME I WAS HAPPILY SINGLE AND COULD REALLY GIVE LESS THAN A DAMN ABOUT A DUDE, HIS WIFE, HIS BABY MOMMA, OR THE SIDELINE HOE. BUT, BOTH POSITIONS APPEARED DESPERATE AND RIDICULOUS TO ME. CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH, EITHER WAY IT'S CHEATING. NOW, MIND YOU AT THIS TIME I'D NEVER BEEN IN LOVE SO I HAD NO CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE THINKING. I REMEMBER HER SAYING,

"I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE LAYING IN BED AT NIGHT WONDERING WHEN MY MAN IS COMING HOME AND WHO HE IS WITH. THAT BROAD KNOWS ABOUT ME AND I KNOW ABOUT HER. WE KICK IT, HE TAKES HIS ASS HOME, AND I SLEEP COMFORTABLY. I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF HIM STAYING THE NIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE HE IS GOING WHEN HE LEAVES BECAUSE HE IS NOT MINE. THAT'S HER PROBLEM."

CHEATED WITH....

EVEN WHILE I'M TYPING THIS, I'M THINKING, WOW!!!! FOR REAL??????? SHE WAS SERIOUS AS HELL AND FOUND REASON IN EVERYTHING SHE SAID. SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE CHEATED WITH HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO KICK IT BOO. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU LAY UP ALL NIGHT THINKING ABOUT WHILE YOU KNOW HE'S AT "HOME" WITH "HER." YOU REPEATED YOUR SO CALLED PERSPECTIVE TO YOUR FRIENDS, WITH THE HOPES THAT YOU WILL START BELIEVING THAT BULLSHIT YOURSELF. SEE NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT FEELINGS. YOU HAVE TO BE, WHAT YOU THINK IS, IN LOVE. IT'S NOT WHORISH TENDENCIES BECAUSE IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION, THIS DUDE WAS BROKE. SO, IT COULDN'T JUST BE THE CHARACTER OF A HOE. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT YOUR LEFT FEELING USED AND EMPTY, IN A USED BED LAYING NEXT TO AN EMPTY SPACE, AND WAKING UP WITH AN EMPTY NIGHTSTAND. UNLIKE MOTEL 6, THE DUDE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL DON'T GET IT. YOU'RE WORTH NOTHING MORE TO HIM THAN THE WET SPOT HE LEFT YOU LAYING IN AND THE CONDOM WRAPPER ON YOUR FLOOR (PLEASE TELL ME YOUR USING CONDOMS!)

AS YOU LAY THERE CUDDLING WITH A PILLOW AND SOAKING IT WITH TEARS THAT DERIVE FROM THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT, HE'S JUST MAKING IT HOME TO SNEAK IN BED NEXT TO "HER." BUT, SHE'S NOT SLEEP, AT LEAST NOT DEEP. SHE CAN'T SLEEP 'TIL SHE KNOWS HE'S SAFELY HOME. HER WOMEN'S INTUITION HAUNTS HER, SO SHE CAN'T FIND COMFORT UNTIL SHE HEARS HIS KEYS IN THE DOOR. AS SHE EXHALES AND CLOSES HER EYES TO FINALLY REST, SHE THINKS TO HERSELF, "THAT'S RIGHT! I MIGHT BE GETTING CHEATED ON BUT HE BRINGS HIS ASS HOME EVERY NIGHT! SO I'M WINNING!" WTF????

(IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN THIS PERSPECTIVE, I'LL USE MONICA. THIS POPULAR R&B SINGER HAS A SONG TITLED "SIDELINE HO." SHE ADDRESSES THE BROADS WHO CHOOSE TO BE CHEATED WITH, FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF FEMALES WHO ARE CHEATED ON. I MUST SAY IT'S A COLD PIECE OF WORK. IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, HIT UP YOUTUBE AFTER READING THIS POST.)

CHEATED ON......

IN A NUTSHELL, WHAT SHE SAYS, IS IF YOU'RE CHEATED WITH, YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A SIDELINE HOE (IN HER EYES AND HIS!) WHEN HE LEAVES YOU......OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.....HE'S WITH HER. WHEN YOU CALL HIM HE WON'T ANSWER AND YOU BETTER BE QUIET, IF SHE CALLS HIM, WHEN HE'S WITH YOU......IMPORTANT DAYS YOU CAN'T FIND HIM BECAUSE THEY HAD SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.....WHEN YOU NEED HIM HE'S NOT THERE BECAUSE HER NEEDS COME FIRST....IF HE SPENDS ON YOU AT ALL, IT WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE HE SPENDS HIS ENDS TAKING CARE OF HOME, AND THAT'S WHERE SHE IS....MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SCRAMBLE THOSE EGGS, PULL DOWN THAT ONE PLATE, PULL THAT ONE FORK OUT THE DRAWER, SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE TO LOOK ACROSS AND SEE AN EMPTY CHAIR......SHE'S FEEDING HER MAN BREAKFAST AT THE HOME THEY SHARE. LIKE THE WORDS IN THE CHORUS OF THE SONG...."IF YOU DON'T MAKE HIS BREAKFAST YOUR A SIDELINE HO!"

SEE IN HER MIND, SHE KNOWS THAT YOU EXIST, BUT SHE'S A WOMAN...AND HE NEEDS YOU TO DO HOODRAT SHIT FOR HIM, THAT SHE TOO WILL BENEFIT FROM. YOU HANG WITH HIM IN THE HOOD WITH THE SCANDALOUS ONES HE WOULDN'T DARE LET BE AROUND HIS WOMAN. YOU CHILL WITH HIM AND THE HOMIES, COMFY WITH A DIME SACK, WATCHING HIS BACK, WHILE HE MAKES HIS ENDS TO BUY HER COACH. SHE'S NOT INTIMIDATED BY YOU BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU COULD NEVER BE HER. HE'LL NEVER TREAT YOU THE WAY HE TREATS HER BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR WORTH. SHE HOLDS ON TIGHT, AND BE THE WOMAN HE NEEDS, WHILE YOU PRAY FOR HER TO LET GO. SHE STAYS ON HER A-GAME AND STAYS ON POINT BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO LOSE HER MAN TO A "SIDELINE HOE."

LOOKING AT THESE TWO BROADS YOU HAVE TO WONDER....WHO IS THIS DUDE? HE'S SOMEONE WHO WAS TRUTHFUL WITH BOTH OF THEM FROM JUMP......"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP." HE WAS ENJOYING HIS LIFE, SINGLE, AND STROKING HIS EGO WITH ANY AND EVERY BROAD THAT WOULD PUT UP WITH HIM. DIDN'T CATCH FEELINGS (SO HE THOUGHT) AND WARNED EVERY ONE OF THEM NOT TO CATCH ANY EITHER....... AND IN HIS MIND.....HE WAS WINNING.

CHEATER.....

HE IS LIVING HIS LIFE STRICTLY FOR SELF GRATIFICATION.....HE IS SELFISH! THEN, ALONG COMES "WIFEY" WHAT THE STREETS CALL THE "BOTTOM BITCH" WHO IS REALLY ON TOP. SHE'S VERSATILE SHE GREW UP IN THE HOOD, HAS JUST ENOUGH STREET SMARTS, BALANCED BY BOOK SMARTS, AND FAR FROM A HOODRAT... SHE EARNED HER POSITION, SHE EARNED HIS TRUST, HIS SECRETS, HIS TIME, HIS MONEY, HIS LOVE....HE BELONGS TO HER AND SHE BELONGS TO HIM AND EVERYONE WHO MATTERS KNOWS...... SHE'S EDUCATED, PRETTY, DOESN'T HANG IN THE STREETS TOO MUCH, CAN PULL HIM OUT OF ANY AND EVERYTHING HE GETS INTO, DOESN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS BECAUSE SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO NOT BE LINKED TO THE ANSWERS, AND NO, IS NOT IN HER VOCABULARY WHEN IT COMES TO PLEASING HER MAN. SHE'S WHAT HE NEEDS....BUT NOT NECESSARILY WHAT HE WANTS.

SEE HE'S NOT SURE OF HIS WORTH, AND BECAUSE OF HIS PAST, HE'S NOT CONFIDENT THAT HE DESERVES HER (WIFEY.) THESE INSECURITIES MAKE HIM WANT HER (THE SIDELINE HO.) HE FEELS HE NEEDS HER AS AN ESCAPE...A FALL BACK PLAN... HE CAN GET MAD AT WIFEY, LEAVE TO COOL OFF, AND GO TAKE IT OUT ON THE ONE HE'S CHEATING WITH. SHE'S GOING TO SETTLE FOR WHATEVER HE HAS LEFT TO GIVE, AND ACCEPT HIS DISRESPECTFUL MANNER OF GIVING IT. SHE IS HIS ENTERTAINMENT. SHE DOESN'T ASK WHERE HE'S BEEN BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT SHE IS NOT WHERE HE'S GOING... AND SHE ACCEPTS THAT. SHE BECOMES HIS FLUNKY AND WHEN HE FAILS AT HOME HE CAN GO TO HER AND FEEL HE'S WINNING. SHE MAKES THEIR TIME FUN AND EXCITING BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHARE THE STRESSES OF LIFE. BUT, HE DOESN'T NEED HER BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT'S NO FUN IF THE HOMIES CAN'T HAVE NONE. HE DOESN'T TRUST HER, HE DOESN'T RESPECT HER, AND FRANKLY HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE'S AWAY FROM HIM......BECAUSE HE'S GOT "HER" (WIFEY.)

WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH CONCEPT IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME BECAUSE I HADN'T LOVED LIKE THAT. I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYBODY WHO I WORRIED ABOUT WHERE THEY WERE OR WHO THEY WERE WITH. I WAS THAT CONFIDENT IN ME. BUT, THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES I HAVE LEARNED THAT WHAT WE CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH AND ACCEPT IS A REFLECTION OF OUR SELF WORTH. IF YOU'RE A WOMAN WITH SOME LEVEL OF STREET SMARTS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOU'VE PLAYED ONE OR ALL OF THESE ROLES. AT ONE POINT IN TIME YOU WERE A CHEATER, CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY I CHOSE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP. TRUST ME, I MAKE BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, AND PROVIDE A LATE NIGHT SNACK ;). BUT, I HAVE MY INTUITIONS AS WELL. I HAVEN'T REACTED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. IF MY INTUITIONS ARE CORRECT, I'M THE ONE HE 'CHEATED ON.' I DON'T HAVE CONFIRMATION SO I HAVEN'T CAUGHT A CASE FOR EXERCISING THE VERSATILE SIDE OF ME WITH ANYONE HE'S "CHEATED WITH." IF I CONTINUE TO TORTURE MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT COME WITH WOMEN'S INTUITION I'M PLAYING MYSELF AND I BECOME "THE CHEATER." CHEATING MYSELF OUT OF BEING HAPPY WITH SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ME.

CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR CHEATING. IT'S ALL REMNANTS OF YOUR PAST. SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT REDUCED YOUR SELF WORTH. HAD IT NOT, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE TO SLEEP GOOD AT NIGHT AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. YOU DESERVE TO BE COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF UNTIL THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE WITH COMES ALONG. YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANY AMOUNT OF MEN OR WOMEN COULD LOVE YOU. WHEN YOU ARE THAT POINT IN THE GAME.....YOU ARE WINNING.

THE OBJECT OF CHEATING IS TO WIN. IF YOU ARE THE CHEATER, CHEATED ON, OR CHEATED WITH, YOUR LOSING YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS. ASK YOURSELF IF IT'S WORTH IT TO "CHEAT TO WIN.....AND LOSE?"

NOT YOUR AVERAGE

I HAVE SURVIVED A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE CHOSEN, NOT TO BE THE VICTIM, BUT TO CLAIM THE VICTORIES. THIS STATEMENT SOUNDS SOO STRONG TO ME. STRONG, LIKE EVERYONE CLAIMS I AM. JUST TO BE ABLE TO SAY THOSE WORDS, "I AM NOT A VICTIM. I AM A SURVIVOR," I FEEL VICTORIOUS.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? MY HEART IS HEAVY AS IF SOMEONE STOLE IT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRICK. I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT, IN MY CHEST, WHEN I BREATH. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE MY MIND RACES WITH THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP, OCCUPY MY DAYS, AND PARALYZE MY PROGRESSION. OFTEN TIMES, I APPEAR TO BE PAYING ATTENTION, WHEN I'M REALLY FIGHTING OFF THE PRESENCE OF TEARS THAT WILL REVEAL MY PAIN. BUT, OH NO, DON'T YOU DARE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THINKING I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF! MY PAIN DOES NOT DERIVE FROM SELF PITY. MY PAIN IS COMPOSED OF REMNANTS OF.......BETRAYAL!

BETRAYAL! WHAT IS IT? IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR THE NEEDS OF ANOTHER OR IS IT TRULY JUST A BLATANT DISREGARD? IS IT SELFISHNESS OR IGNORANCE? IS IT SCANDALOUS CONNIVING OR TRULY JUST THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN PLAGUED, HIS/HER SELF, BY PAIN?

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "I LOVE YOU! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU." DID THIS STATEMENT CONFUSE YOU? NOT ME. IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STATEMENT, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WILL LOVE HARDER THAN THE "AVERAGE" CAN LOVE. THESE PEOPLE REQUIRE MORE LOVE THAN THE "AVERAGE" IS CAPABLE OF GIVING. WHEN I SAY LOVE, I'M NOT JUST REFERRING TO ROMANTIC LOVE. I MEAN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ANYTHING (A DOG, A BROTHER, A BEST FRIEND, A MAN/WOMAN...ANYTHING OR ANYONE.)

AS THE SAYING GOES, "YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING TO GET THROUGH SOMETHING." THE MAKE UP OF INDIVIDUAL'S CHARACTERS ARE MOSTLY DEVELOPED BY THE LESSONS THEY'VE LEARNED THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES. IF YOU EMBRACE THESE EXPERIENCES, YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE! YOU CAN BE THE MOST EDUCATED PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND NOT KNOW SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH SHIT! THESE LESSONS, IF YOU LEARN BY THEM, WILL ALLOW YOU TO RELATE TO THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY THAN "AVERAGE" PEOPLE. YOU WILL EMBRACE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERFECT JOE WOULD SHY AWAY FROM. YOU WILL BE UNDERSTANDING TO THINGS, WHETHER YOU AGREE OR NOT, THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERSON WOULD BE DISCOMBOBULATED BY.

A THERAPIST ONCE TOLD ME THAT I DIAGNOSE AND PROVIDE MYSELF WITH THERAPY, AND HE FEELS HE IS ONLY THERE TO LISTEN. MAYBE THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS END UP FEELING BETRAYED. I KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. BUT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I DON'T! I UNDERSTAND YOU, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ACTIONS, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MAKE THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, I'VE EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF OR I'VE WITNESSED IT. DESPITE IT ALL, IF I ALLOW YOU IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU, AND ALL THAT COMES WITH IT, BECAUSE I'M NOT "AVERAGE" AND I UNDERSTAND YOU!

HERE IS WHERE THE BETRAYAL COMES IN.....YOU SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

BETRAYAL!

IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I DESIRE FROM YOU OR IS IT REALLY ABOUT SELF GRATIFICATION? ARE YOU SOO SELFISH, THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE ME WHAT I GIVE TO YOU, OR DO YOU TRULY JUST NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE? ARE YOU A SCANDALOUS CONNIVING ASS MOTHERFUCKER OR ARE YOU PLAGUED WITH PAIN THAT HAS THE FEAR OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING YOU.....JUST LIKE ME?

I'M SURE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT FEEL THAT I'VE BETRAYED THEM, IN SOME WAY, FORM, OR FASHION. JUST KNOW THAT I'M NOT SELFISH, I'M NOT IGNORANT, I'M NOT SCANDALOUS, OR CONNIVING (BY ANY MEANS.) I'M VICTORIOUS BECAUSE I LOVED YOU DESPITE MY FEARS OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING ME. MOST IMPORTANTLY, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR "AVERAGE!"

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

WHO IS GOING TO LOVE ME?

I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ME IN A MINUTE. I APOLOGIZE, I KNOW I PROMISED TO STAY CONSISTENT, BUT MY MIND DECIDED NOT TO JOIN IN ON THIS PROMISE.

YOU SEE, ALL OF THE POSTS THAT I ATTEMPT TO COMPLETE LATELY ARE ABOUT LOVE. I HAVE TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS, SOO FAST, AS I SAY THE WORD "LOVE." OOH I WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS...I MEAN WHAT IT'S TRULY LIKE. I'M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT HOW TO GIVE IT, BUT I WANT SOO BAD TO RECEIVE IT. I MEAN LOVE! LIKE, I LOVE MY DOG, BUT HE'S BEEN ON THE PATIO FOR TWO DAYS, AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH ASIAN, CAMBODIAN, CHINESE, HOOD RESTAURANT WANTS TO BUY SOME WHITE FLUFFY MEAT. HE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES SOO BAD RIGHT NOW. BUT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I'M TALKING ABOUT "LOVE" PERIOD. NOT THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR FAVORITE THINGS, BUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. LOVE THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN IN WORDS. I KNOW IT EXISTS BECAUSE, I'M CAPABLE OF GIVING IT, THAT'S THE VERY REASON WHY I'M AFRAID OF IT.

FOR ME LOVE IS PRECIOUS AND PURE. IT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE TAINTED OR TAKEN AWAY. I'VE EXPERIENCED IT WITH MY CHILDREN. THEY LOVE ME!!! MAN DO THEY LOVE ME! YOU CAN SEE IT ON THEIR FACE. YOU CAN SEE IT IN THEIR EYES. YOU CAN HEAR IT IN THEIR VOICES. I CAN FEEL IT IN THEIR TOUCH THAT THEY LOVE ME....GENUINELY, INNOCENTLY, BY NATURE, BY HABIT, BY CHOICE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY....EFFORTLESSLY, IT COMES NATURALLY FOR THEM....WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT. THEY LOVE ME ON MY GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS. THEY LOVE ME WHEN I'M CUTE AS FUCK AND WHEN I'M UGLY AS HELL (IN SOMEBODY'S BLIND EYES LOL), THEY LOVE ME!!!!!!! WITH ALL THE LOVE THEY GIVE ME, AND I GIVE TO THEM 10 FOLD, I'M SCARED TO LOVE.

I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED LOVE LIKE THAT FROM ANYONE BUT MY KIDS. YEAH I GOT MY MY PARTICULAR "LOVED ONES" THAT WILL BE HERE FOR ME 'TIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF, AND WILL MOST DEFINITELY HURT YOU IF YOU HURT ME. BUT THAT'S NOT THE SAME AS THE LOVE OF A MAN, AND THE LOVE OF TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP. THAT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE. DO RELATIONSHIPS REALLY HAVE THE MUTUAL KIND OF LOVE THAT I WANT SOO BAD? WHEN I CRY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, WHEN I'M SAD I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY, WHEN I'M HORNY....WELL OK! :0 LOL

I KNEW AS A LITTLE GIRL, THAT I HAD ALL THIS LOVE AND NO ONE TO GIVE IT TO...AT LEAST NO ONE THAT WOULD GIVE IT BACK. SO I CREATED A SHIELD. I LET PEOPLE IN AND I LOVED THEM. THE SAME WAY I LOVE MY DOG, WHO HAS BEEN ON THE PATIO FOR TWO DAYS. I LOVED THEM JUST ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO DETACH MYSELF WHEN NECESSARY. NOW, AS I'M DEALING WITH AND EMBRACING WHO I AM, I HAVE BECOME EAGER TO LOVE AND EAGER TO RECEIVE LOVE. NOT JUST "OH I LOVE HER"...BUT, "DAMN!!!!! I LOVE HER!!!!!'

I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND OF MINE THE OTHER DAY (NOT A FRIEND, A SISTER) AND SHE SAID "I'VE BEEN KNOWING YOU FOR OVER 20 YEARS AND I'VE NEVER MET ANYBODY LIKE YOU." I'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE AND IT WAS TOO THE POINT THAT I WAS BECOMING OFFENDED AND ANNOYED WITH THIS STATEMENT. SHE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN. SHE SAID "YOU DON'T LET VERY MANY PEOPLE IN TO YOUR HEART. BUT, WHEN YOU DO, YOU LOVE THEM AND YOU LOVE THEM HARD. " SHE SAID, " YOU CAN CURSE THEM OUT! AND THE MORE YOU CURSE AT THEM, THE MORE YOU LOVE THEM!" I KNOW THAT SOUNDS STUPID TO YOU, BUT FOR ME, I UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. MY LOVE, THOUGH RARELY GIVEN, IS GENUINE, IT'S REAL, IT'S IRREPLACEABLE, AND IT'S RARE TO FIND. THAT'S WHY I'M AFRAID TO GIVE IT.

LOVE TAKES ALL OF MY STRENGTH TO GIVE. WHEN I LOVE, THAT PERSON'S NEEDS BECOME MY NEEDS, THEIR HAPPINESS BEGINS TO LIE IN MY HANDS, THEIR PAIN BECOMES MY PAIN, AND THEIR STRUGGLES BECOME ALL MINE. THAT'S EXACTLY THE TYPE OF LOVE I EXPECT, NOT WANT, IN RETURN. THIS IS WHERE I GET SCARED.........

I TRULY FEAR FALLING IN LOVE.....MY "GOD!".......IF I LOVE YOU, MY FOCUS BECOMES YOU, AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO LOVE ME THE SAME WAY....WHO IS GOING TO LOVE ME?

NO WORRIES

POSTING BLOGS BASED ON MY LIFE AND MY MIND SET WAS THE HARDEST DECISION I EVER HAD TO MAKE. BUT, THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY THAT I COULD GET MY THOUGHTS OUT WITHOUT INTERRUPTION, WITHOUT WATCHING FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, WITHOUT BEING ABUSED BY OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS, AND WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I'M BEING JUDGED. THROUGH ALL OF THIS, I REALIZE THAT MY BIGGEST FAULT IS WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. WHAT I DO REALIZE IS THAT MY INSECURITIES ARE NOT MINE TO OWN, THEY ARE INHERITED...IT'S FROM INSECURE PEOPLE WHO JUDGE WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE FEED BACK THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD RECEIVE. HOWEVER, I RECEIVED FEEDBACK FROM PEOPLE WHO MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY EFFORTS ARE NOT IN VAIN. I APPRECIATE THE FOLLOWERS THAT I HAVE AT THIS POINT, AND IT WILL MAKE ME GRIND IT OUT MY MIND THAT MUCH HARDER. HOWEVER, MY WHOLE INTENTION ON WRITING AND GETTING MY STORY OUT, WAS TO UNITE PEOPLE WHO CAN RELATE. IT SEEMS THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN HONESTLY RELATE TO ME....NOT JUST ME, BUT MY MINDSET, WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, WHERE I'M AT, AND WHERE I'M GOING. MIND YOU I'M VERY DISCRETE ON HERE BECAUSE I CAN WEED THROUGH THE "BS"...BUT, I FOUND HER, OR SHE FOUND ME...WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE...I'M THAT MUCH MORE INSPIRED. THE ONE THING THAT SHE SAID, THAT I KNOW I OWE HER FOR, IS "YOU BETTER NOT GIVE UP"...LOL...SHE CALLED ME "SUPER WOMAN!" IF SHE ONLY KNEW THAT WE ALL ARE SUPER WOMEN FOR NOT SETTLING FOR VICTIMS (OF WHATEVER IT MAY BE)....I JUST WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT GIVING UP, I CAN'T GIVE UP....NO WORRIES!

IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME" DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT. IT'S REALLY YOU, AND THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS OR THEY JUST AREN'T BIG ENOUGH TO SAY IT. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU," TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH. WHATEVER IT MAY BE, IT'S JUST REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU. THIS IS A STATEMENT THAT HAS A MAJOR AFFECT ON MY LIFE. I HAVE STRUGGLES AND WAYS OF DEALING WITH THINGS, THAT OTHERS MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. THE CHOICES THAT I MAKE TO HANDLE CERTAIN SITUATIONS MAY OFTEN IMPACT OTHERS. I OFTEN THINK THIS IS A COMBINATION OF SELFISHNESS AND INSECURITY, AND I OFTEN WONDER ON WHO'S PART (MINE OR THEIRS.) MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT TO HURT OTHERS' ...MY INTENTIONS ARE TO SURVIVE WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. I WAS ONCE TOLD THAT THE MIND IS LIKE A CLOSET. LIFE EXPERIENCES AND TRAUMAS, FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, MEMORIES AND DREAMS ARE ALL ITEMS THAT WE PLACE IN THIS CLOSET. AS THEY COME, YOU BEGIN TO STACK THEM NEATLY AGAINST THE BACK WALL. TRAGEDIES AND HURT OFTEN COME IN BIGGER PACKAGES AND REQUIRE A LOT MORE SPACE. THE MORE TIME GOES BY, AND THE MORE YOU EXPERIENCE IN LIFE, THE LESS STORAGE SPACE YOUR CLOSET WILL HAVE. YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO COME NEAR THIS CLOSET BECAUSE AS SOON AS THEY TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR, ALL OF YOUR JUNK WILL FALL ON THEM. THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO IS TO STAY IN THERE UNTIL YOU CAN GET THINGS ORGANIZED. JUST LIKE ANY HOME, YOUR MIND REQUIRES SPRING CLEANING, AND YOU NEED TO TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAR OUT SOME SPACE, GO THROUGH THAT CLOSET, REMOVE THE CLUTTER, AND THROW AWAY THE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT. IF YOU FAIL TO DO SO, IT DOESN'T STOP THE PACKAGES FROM COMING, IT JUST CONTINUES TO DEPLETE YOUR STORAGE SPACE UNTIL THERE IS NO MORE ROOM. YOU'RE STUCK IN THIS SPACE, SURROUNDED BY CLUTTER, AND YOU CAN'T REACH THE DOOR TO LET ANYTHING IN OR OUT. NOW, THIS WASN'T INTENTIONAL, YOU'RE NOT INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO HIDE FROM ANYONE AND YOU'RE NOT INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING...YOU'RE JUST STUCK IN THIS CLOSET UNTIL YOU FIND A WAY TO GET OUT. STUCK IN THIS CLOSET WITH WHATEVER WAS IN THERE BEFORE THE DOOR WAS BLOCKED. CAN YOU IMAGINE? THAT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO BE, ALONE IN THE DARK, SURROUNDED BY THINGS THAT THEY DON'T WANT OR NEED. THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU DON'T KNOW OR WON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE TRAPPED IN THERE. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT GETS SOO OUT OF HAND THAT THE DOOR IS BARRICADED AND IT WON'T OPEN. NO MATTER HOW HARD ANYONE TRIES, IT WON'T OPEN FROM THE INSIDE OR THE OUSIDE. DO YOU SIT AROUND BLAMING THEM FOR BEING IN THERE, OR DO YOU JUST VOW TO BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY COME OUT? THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS OFTEN THE SCENARIO FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA'S. IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF ANYONE'S SIMILAR EXPERIENCES, THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN THE WAY EACH INDIVIDUAL HANDLES THEM. IF PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THEIR WAY OF COPING WILL AFFECT OTHERS, THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COPE. FURTHERMORE, COPING IS JUST SETTLING, AT SOME POINT ONE HAS TO REALIZE THAT'S IT'S TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE CLOSET. NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP HIM OR HER DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S HIS OR HER STUFF. ONLY HE OR SHE WOULD KNOW HOW TO SORT THROUGH IT. IF ONE ALLOWED YOU TO HELP, HE OR SHE WOULD SPEND MORE TIME EXPLAINING TO YOU WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO KEEP AND WHAT THEY NEED TO GET RID OF. BUT IN THE MEAN TIME THEY'RE COLLECTING MORE SHIT. THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE IT IS TO FREE UP SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF TO REALLY GET IN THERE AND SORT THROUGH THE CLUTTER. NO ONE WITH A SOUND MIND LIKES TO LIVE WITH CLUTTER. IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF YOU NOT TO WANT THEM TO BE FREE IF IT AND IT WOULD BE INSECURE OF YOU TO THINK THE ABSENCE IT TAKES TO DO SO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. THE BEST SUPPORT THAT YOU CAN GIVE IS TO UNDERSTAND THAT, IF YOU'RE NOT IN THAT CLOSET, AND THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THERE THAT BELONGS TO YOU THEN, "IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU."

I HEAR VOICES PT. 1

I HAVE A SECRET. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BUT I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU. I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD. SOMETIMES I LISTEN TO THEM, SOMETIMES I DON'T, AND SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO LISTEN TO THEM. I NOTICED THAT THROUGH MY LIFE EXPERIENCES, THE VOICES SPEAK MORE OFTEN. I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE THEY COME FROM AND SOO DO I. MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT ONE DAY LISTENING TO THESE VOICES WILL BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH FOR ME. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY THAT WILL HELP YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND......
ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL, I'M IN THE HOUSE ALONE, WATCHING MOVIES AND ENJOYING SOME ME TIME. THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. I IMMEDIATELY HEARD VOICES IN MY HEAD. NOW, THIS HAPPENS PERIODICALLY BUT, THIS TIME THEY SEEMED MORE PERSISTENT. THE KNOCKS GOT LOUDER AND SO DID THE VOICES. I HAD PREVIOUS SITUATIONS WHERE I WOULD HEAR VOICES, BUT I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THEM. THE KNOCKS WEREN'T SCARING ME AS MUCH AS THE THOUGHTS OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THESE VOICES THIS TIME. THE KNOCKS GOT LOUDER AND SO DID THE VOICES. THE KNOCKS WERE SOO VIGOROUS! I HAVE THE KNOCKS IN MY EARS. I HAVE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD. AND I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF..."WHO WOULD BE AT THE DOOR KNOCKING LIKE THAT? I CAN'T LISTEN TO THESE VOICES. THEY'D MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A DAMN FOOL. BUT, I KNOW ONE THING, I'M NOT GOING TO THAT DAMN DOOR. THIS ISN'T EVEN MY HOUSE." I CLOSED MYSELF UP INTO THE ROOM THAT I WAS IN. THE ROOM HAD SEVERAL DIFFERENT POINTS OF ENTRY, AND WINDOWS THAT ALLOWED YOU TO SEE THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE. I SAT WITH MY BACK AGAINST THE DOOR WHICH LED TO THE GARAGE. THIS WAY I FELT AS THOUGH I COULD SEE THROUGH OUT THE HOUSE AND IF IT DID HAPPEN, THAT I WOULD NEED TO GET OUT, I'D NO WHICH WAY TO GO. BESIDES, NOBODY WOULD COME IN THROUGH THE GARAGE. TO BLOCK OUT THE VOICES AND THE KNOCKS, I CALLED A FRIEND OF MINE TO DISTRACT ME. THE KNOCKS FINALLY STOP AND IT'S QUIET. I FEEL SOO FOOLISH FOR BEING SCARED TO ANSWER THE DOOR. IT'S THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD. I THINK THEY ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SCARE ME. THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF I DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. I CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION WITH MY FRIEND AND I LET HER KNOW I'M SAFE NOW. DAMN VOICES DON'T KNOW SHIT. WAIT...THE VOICES ARE STILL TALKING AND THIS TIME THEY SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM BEFORE. I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE SO THIS TIME I LISTEN. THEY'RE SAYING, "LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!" "LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!" COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOTHING BEHIND ME, BUT THE DOOR TO THE GARAGE. I DO IT ANYWAY JUST TO PROVE MY POINT. I LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER.... AND THERE IS THE DOOR TO THE GARAGE. YEP I WAS RIGHT....BUT, SO WERE THE VOICES...THE DOOR IS CRACKED OPEN AND IT WASN'T LIKE THAT BEFORE I SAT IN FRONT OF IT.... ALL I CAN SEE IS DARKNESS AND THE WHITENESS OF SOMEONE'S EYES PEAKING IN AT ME. ALTHOUGH I CAN'T SEE A FACE, I KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON AND ALL I CAN FEEL IS THE PRESENCE OF EVIL. TEARS IMMEDIATELY FLOW FROM EYES AND I TELL MY FRIEND "SOMEONE'S HERE." TO THIS DAY...... MAN !!!! I WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED WHEN THERE WERE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR AND THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WERE TELLING ME, "RUN OUT THE HOUSE!"

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

LIFE EXPERIENCES HAVE CAUSED MY WAY OF THINKING TO BE SOMEWHAT DISTORTED. IT'S BEEN MY COPING MECHANISM FOR SOO LONG. IT WORKS FOR ME, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT CAN BE HARMFUL TO WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME. I'VE SURVIVED ALL THE HURT AND PAIN THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED IN LIFE THROUGH REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. AS I AM HEALING AND MATURING, I AM LEARNING THAT MY WAY IS NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT WAY. IT DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO FEEL THE WAY I DESERVE TO FEEL, OR DO THE THINGS THAT I DESERVE TO DO. I KNOW THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING WTF IS SHE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? OK HERE IT IS, I ADMIT IT, I'M NEGATIVE. I AM A NEGATIVE INDIVIDUAL AND I DON'T HAVE FAITH IN ANYONE BUT GOD AND MYSELF. I DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME. BUT, AT THE SAME TIME I EXPECT FOR PEOPLE TO TREAT ME AS I WOULD TREAT THEM. I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT, ALONE, IS EXPECTING TOO MUCH. I HAVE COME TO LEARN THAT I AM TRULY AN INDIVIDUAL. GOOD OR BAD, I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE ME, AND YOU PROBABLY WON'T EITHER. THEREFORE, I CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO KNOW HOW TO TREAT THE UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL THAT GOD CREATED ME TO BE. HOW WILL THEY KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS (UNLESS THEY'VE FELT WHAT I'VE FELT)? HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY (IF I RESIST YOUR ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME SMILE)? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED FROM YOU (IF I NEVER TELL YOU WHAT I WANT)? HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY WHO ALWAYS APPEARS MAD OR DISCONNECTED (WHEN DEEP INSIDE ALL THEY WANT IS TO BE HAPPY)? HOW DOES SOMEONE NURTURE SOMEONE WHOM THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY UNDERSTAND?

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY HAS CREATED A WALL BETWEEN MY FEELINGS AND OTHER PEOPLES' FEELINGS. MY BIGGEST FEAR IN LIFE IS BEING HURT, SO I DO WHAT I FEEL IS NECESSARY TO AVOID EXPERIENCING THAT FEELING. OFTEN TIMES, IT RESULTS IN ME PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY, WHEN I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE GETTING TO CLOSE TO ME. I SABOTAGE WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR FEAR OF SOMETHING GOING WRONG. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, FOR ME, IS TO ALWAYS EXPECT THE NEGATIVE IN ORDER TO AVOID EVER BEING LET DOWN. I DON'T LIVE MY LIFE THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD BE, I THINK ABOUT WHAT IT IS...AND FOR SOO LONG IT'S EITHER BEEN BLACK OR WHITE. IT'S LIKE I'M COLOR BLIND. I DON'T SEE THE POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW, BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A RAINBOW. IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME AT THE MOMENT AND IT'S EITHER A POT OF GOLD, OR IT'S AN EMPTY CAN. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'VE DONE A LOT OF RECYCLING. WHEN I KNOW SOMETHING OR SOMEONE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO HURT ME...I GET RID OF IT.

TAKE RELATIONSHIPS FOR INSTANCE. SOMEONE ONCE SAID, "ALWAYS BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM." I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS HOW I LIVED MY LIFE, WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING IT. I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? A WOMAN WELL IN HER 30'S AND I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'VE LOVED.....BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO. I'VE LOVED FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND EVEN MY DOG. THERE IS NO WAY TO EXPLAIN THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MY KIDS BUT, TO ACTUALLY OPEN MY HEART IN THAT MANNER TO A MAN, HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ISSUE FOR ME. TO ADD SOME CLARITY, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WOMEN, I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH A MAN. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE LOVE I HAVE FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND THE PERSON I'M DATING IS THE INTIMACY. BUT, SEX IS NOT THE WAY TO MY HEART. ALTHOUGH, I MAY BE LOW KEY ADDICTED TO IT (WITH THE RIGHT PERSON) LOL....THERE IS NO CONFUSION BETWEEN LOVE AND SEX FOR ME. I'VE NEVER KNOWN LOVE THE WAY I WOULD LIKE TO, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THE WAY TO MY HEART IS NOT THROUGH FEELINGS OF THE FLESH, BUT THROUGH MEETINGS OF THE MINDS. I'VE NEVER LET ANYONE GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO MY MIND TO TRULY HAVE MY HEART. I'VE ALWAYS FEARED THAT NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND ME. TO MOST, I APPEAR HARD WHEN DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I'M EXTREMELY FRAGILE. WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS EXPECTED THE WORSE. I'VE BEEN LET DOWN BY MY FATHER, BROTHERS, UNCLES, COUSINS, FRIENDS, AND MEN I NEVER KNEW IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOO IN RELATIONSHIPS, I'VE ALWAYS EXPECTED IT, AND I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT WHEN I SUSPECTED IT.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW? HOW DO YOU CHANGE PATTERNS THAT YOU'VE FOLLOWED FOR SOO LONG? IF YOU KNOW AND LOVE SOMEONE LIKE ME, HOW DO YOU HELP THEM OUT OF THIS WAY OF THINKING? THE ANSWER.....REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. JUST AS THEY WOULD HAVE TO ADJUST THEIR WAY OF THINKING FOR YOU, YOU WILL NEED TO DO THE SAME. TO BREAK THIS CYCLE YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT DEEP INSIDE, NO MATTER HOW EMOTIONLESS THIS PERSON APPEARS TO BE, THEY ARE REALLY HIDING THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OVERLY EMOTIONAL. THERE IS A BIG HEART IN THERE SOMEWHERE FULL OF LOVE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO GAIN THE TRUST IT REQUIRES TO LET IT OUT. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD CONVERT TO THEIR WAY OF THINKING. I'M SAYING STEP OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF AND THINK ABOUT THE WAY THAT THEY FEEL AND WHAT THEY'VE EXPERIENCED THAT CREATED THIS WAY OF THINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE. I AM LEARNING TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT EVERYONE IS NOT OUT TO HURT ME AND NOT EVERYONE WILL LET ME DOWN. I CAN'T LET WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH IN MY PAST BE THE GUIDE TO MY FUTURE. I HAVE OPENED MY HEART AND MY MIND TO LOVE AND EACH DAY IS AN INNER STRUGGLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE DEEPER I FALL, THE MORE EMOTIONAL I BECOME. I STILL HAVE MY FEARS AND I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS. HOWEVER I CAN HONESTLY RECOGNIZE MY FLAWS. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, USED IN THE MANNER THAT I'VE USED IT, IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THEM. IF YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO SHARES THIS WAY OF THINKING, KNOW THAT IT IS DEFINITELY TIME FOR CHANGE. IN ORDER TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND BE TRULY HAPPY CHANGE IS MANDATORY. WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, YOU ARE HURTING SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND MOST OF ALL YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF.

FIX THE PROBLEM. IT'S LIKE MATH, A NEGATIVE AND A POSITIVE WILL ALWAYS MAKE A NEGATIVE. THEY SEE, WHAT THEY FEEL IS, THE SLIGHTEST SIGN OF POTENTIAL TO BE HURT AND THEY'RE ONLY WAY OF COPING IS SUBTRACTION. IF YOU TRULY LOVE THIS PERSON, FIND A FORMULA THAT WILL CHANGE THAT NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE AND THINGS WILL BE POSITIVE FOR BOTH OF YOU. PEOPLE IN THIS MINDSET EXPECT YOU TO FAIL THEM AND LET THEM DOWN. THAT'S THE ONLY EXPECTATION THEY HAVE OF YOU,.SO IF YOU GIVE UP AND GIVE IN, YOU HAVE DONE JUST THAT.....FAILED THEM AND LET THEM DOWN. NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY EXPECT FROM YOU, USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND PROVE THEM WRONG. YOU'LL BE SURPRISED AT THE AMOUNT OF LOVE YOU'LL FIND ONCE THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED.

FOR ME TO CONVERT MY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY WILL BE AN ONGOING EFFORT. I'M STILL AFRAID OF BEING HURT, BUT I NO LONGER FEAR BEING IN LOVE. DOES THIS MEAN I'M FINALLY IN IT? HMMM WHAT DO YOU THINK? THE ANSWER IS THERE, JUST USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY...LMAO ;)

PEACE OUT

IT'S DARK IN HERE

IT'S LONELY IN HERE AND THE ROOM IS FULL OF PEOPLE. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT STILL IT SEEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE. I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES WITH NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. IT TAKES ALL THE ENERGY I HAVE FOR THE DAY, JUST TO MAKE IT OUT OF BED. I HAVE HAUNTING THOUGHTS OF LONELINESS RACING THROUGH MY HEAD. ALL OF MY SMILES ARE FROWNS, AND ALL OF MY LAUGHS ARE CRIES. CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESENT, TOO BUSY WONDERING WHY. I CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR YOU, BECAUSE I'VE LOST ALL OF THE EXCITEMENT IN ME. EVERYDAY IS A STRUGGLE, AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. THEY ONLY KNOW HOW THEY WANT THINGS TO BE. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE PLACES I'VE SEEN, SO YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I SEE. YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND HOW THE PAST HAUNTS YOUR PRESENT, AND THE PRESENT CONTINUES TO REFLECT YOUR PAST. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE EACH DAY WONDERING IF IT WILL BE YOUR LAST. IT'S NOT INTENTIONAL TO BE HAUNTED BY FEAR, ALTHOUGH YOU THINK MY ACTIONS ARE ABOUT YOU. BUT, NOT ONCE DO I HEAR YOU SAY, "WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO?" WHAT DO YOU DO TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO'S ACTIONS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? IF YOU PAST JUDGMENT BASED UPON YOUR OWN NEEDS, THEN YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE HEALING PLAN.
IT'S LONELY IN HERE AND THE ROOM IS FULL OF PEOPLE. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT STILL IT SEEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE. I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES WITH NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. IF I LET YOU IN MY THOUGHTS THINGS STILL WOULD NOT BE CLEAR. I CAN'T SHED LIGHT ON MY MY INNER THOUGHTS FOR YOU BECAUSE IT'S DARK IN HERE.

DEPRESSION IS REAL, AND THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO TO SUPPORT IT, IS TO DO WHAT'S NECESSARY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND IT. THERE ARE SOO MANY PEOPLE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCED THINGS, THAT MAY SEEM MINOR TO YOU. EACH PERSON COPES WITH SITUATIONS DIFFERENTLY AND THE IMPACT CAN BE EVER LASTING. OPEN YOUR MIND TO WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THERE ARE SOO MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENDED THEIR OWN LIVES BECAUSE THEY FELT SOO ALONE. DON'T LET SOMEONE YOU LOVE SUFFER ON HIS OR HER OWN. DO YOUR RESEARCH, EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT THE SYMPTOMS AND SIGNS. THEN DO YOUR PART AS THEIR LOVED ONE, BECAUSE NOTHING CAN HEAL IT BUT THEMSELVES AND TIME.

WHO'S THAT GIRL

I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING WHO'S THAT GIRL? WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH HER? RIGHT...LOL...I'M YOUR MOTHER, WHO YOU WISH UNDERSTOOD YOU. I'M YOUR SISTER THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...THE GIRL IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO YOU, WHO APPEARS TO JUST NOT GIVE A DAMN...YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT YOU WISH YOU UNDERSTOOD...YOUR WOMAN, WHOSE PAIN YOU WISH YOU COULD EASE....I'M YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD PROTECT. I AM EVERY WOMAN, WHO WISHES THAT THEY HAD THE COURAGE TO TELL YOU WHAT I'M MORE THAN WILLING TO REVEAL.
I AM THE VOICE OF EVERY WOMAN, WHO HAS OVERCOME TRAGEDIES....OR WHO ARE OVERCOMING TRAGEDIES. AT THE END OF THE DAY...WHEN THIS BLOG IS FINISHED...AND I'M TIRED OF WRITING (WHICH WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE) YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT'S INSIDE OF THE MIND OF PEOPLE THAT SHARE MY EXPERIENCES. TRUST ME, IT'S MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

THAT LITTLE GIRL

I THINK TO MYSELF THAT THERE IS A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME. SHE'S PROBABLY ABOUT THE AGE OF 13, POSSIBLY YOUNGER. THAT'S ABOUT THE AGE I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE I FELT AS THOUGH NO ONE ELSE COULD OR WOULD. AS A RESULT, I HAD TO GROW UP MUCH FASTER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO. BECAUSE MY CHILDHOOD STOPPED AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, I TRULY BELIEVE THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, AND SHE COMES OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN. (ANYTHING THAT I DO OR HAVE DONE, THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OUT OF LINE, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HER BAD ASS LOL.) NO BUT SERIOUSLY, I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT MYSELF, BUT THERE WAS A SITUATION THAT GAVE ME CONFIRMATION. AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE LANDED ME AT A POLICE STATION WITH A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER. THE MOTHER HAD CAUGHT HER HUSBAND (BIOLOGICAL FATHER OF THE CHILD) ON TOP OF HER 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HE WAS RIDICULOUSLY DRUNK, WHICH WAS NO EXCUSE FOR ME, AND HE WAS NAKED. NO AMOUNT OF LIQUOR COULD HAVE JUSTIFIED THIS BEHAVIOR. I WAS ALLOWED TO SIT IN ON THE INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE MOTHER AND THE OFFICER. AS THE MOTHER DESCRIBED WHAT SHE HAD WITNESSED, I WATCHED THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE. THERE WAS NO EMOTION, NO CONCERN, AND ALMOST A SENSE OF DISBELIEF. NOT DISBELIEF FOR THE SITUATION, BUT DISBELIEF THAT THE MOTHER WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME AND ALLEGE SUCH A THING. HE ASKED THE MOTHER, "WAS YOUR DAUGHTER AWAKE DURING THIS INCIDENT?" THE MOTHER REPLIED, "I THINK SHE WAS PRETENDING TO BE SLEEP." THE OFFICER STATED, IN A REAL MATTER OF FACT TONE, "KIDS THAT YOUNG DON'T PLAY SLEEP, THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD LAY THERE WHILE A 200 LB MAN WAS OVER HER NAKED." THAT STATEMENT CAUSED SUCH A REACTION IN ME THAT I COULD HARDLY CONTROL MYSELF. EXCUSE MY FRENCH, BUT WHO THE FUCK MADE HIM A SPECIALIST ON MOLESTATION? I HAD MIXED EMOTIONS THOUGH....FIRST OF ALL I THOUGHT THE OFFICER SHOULD HAVE HIS BADGE TAKEN FOR BEING SOO IGNORANT TO REALITY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO WONDER WHY THE MOTHER ASSUMED THAT THE CHILD WOULD PLAY SLEEP. DID SHE HAVE TO PLAY SLEEP TOO? WAS SHE ALSO THAT LITTLE GIRL? SEE LIFE EXPERIENCES GIVE YOU INSTINCTS, INTUITIONS, AND REACTIONS THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON WOULDN'T HAVE. SEE, I KNOW THAT LITTLE GIRLS, THAT YOUNG, ARE CAPABLE OF PLAYING SLEEP, KNOWING WHEN TO PLAY SLEEP, AND KNOWING WHEN TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN. THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE TO THAT SITUATION BROUGHT OUT THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME. I FELT THE PAIN OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. I FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, AND IF THIS OFFICER DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, WHO WAS GOING TO PROTECT ME. I WANTED TO CRY, I WANTED TO ACT OUT, I WANTED TO SHUT DOWN, I WANTED TO DISAPPEAR, I JUST WANTED IT TO ALL GO AWAY. BUT WAIT, AS I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I REALIZE THAT THESE REACTIONS WEREN'T MINE. THE REACTIONS CAME FROM DEEP INSIDE OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. THAT LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, WHO I HAD VOWED TO PROTECT...I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE CAN SAY OH MY GOD...I AM THAT LITTLE GIRL.

NOW, I CAN'T ELABORATE TOO MUCH ON MY END OF THE STORY...THEN YOU WON'T READ MY BOOK. BUT, YES...I WAS THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT KNEW TO PLAY SLEEP, HOW LONG TO PLAY SLEEP, AND WHY. ALTHOUGH, IN MY SITUATION IT WAS NOT MY FATHER...IT WAS REAL..AND TO THIS DAY, I STILL FIND MYSELF TRYING TO PROTECT "THAT LITTLE GIRL."

THE PURPOSE

THEY TOOK FROM ME WHAT I DID NOT GIVE
AND IN RETURN THEY ALLOWED ME TO LIVE.

LIVE WITH QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, AND DOUBT
QUESTIONING WHAT MY LIFE WAS ABOUT.

CONCERNED ABOUT HOW I WILL CONTINUE ON
DOUBTING THAT I CAN LIVE LIFE WITHOUT MOURN.

QUESTIONING WHY MY LIFE WAS SPARED.
CONCERNED FOR MY CHILDREN, BUT MOSTLY SCARED.

DOUBTING THAT I CAN FIND MY PURPOSE.
FIGHTING THE FEELINGS OF BEING WORTHLESS.

REALIZING THE PURPOSE WAS ALWAYS THERE.
THAT THIS EXPERIENCE WAS MEANT TO SHARE.

TO COMFORT THOSE THAT FEEL LIKE ME.
TO LET THEM KNOW "THE PURPOSE" IS TO BE.

COPYRIGHT 2005

THE PURPOSE. THIS WAS THE VERY FIRST POEM I WROTE. TO THIS DAY, WHEN I READ IT, IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE. IT REPRESENTS THE MOMENT I REALIZED ALL THE PAIN THAT I HAD TUCKED AWAY. I WAS NEVER ONE TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THINGS, AND ALL THE WHILE, I THOUGHT I WAS JUST FINE. I DESCRIBED MY WAY OF DEALING WITH THINGS AS PUSHING IT TO THE BACK OF MY MIND, AND KEEPING IT PUSHING. UNTIL, ONE DAY I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD NO MORE ROOM IN THE BACK, AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST GOING TO PUSH ITSELF OUT (WHETHER I WANTED IT TO OR NOT.) MANY OF THE THINGS I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE NO WOMAN (OR MAN FOR THAT MATTER) SHOULD HAVE TO EXPERIENCE. I SPENT MANY OF NIGHTS WHEN I WAS ALONE ASKING WHY. THE ONE ANSWER THAT I WOULD GET THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF TO THE HIGHEST OF "PISSTIVITY" WAS "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, AND GOD WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE." HUH? NOT ONLY ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, THAT GOD WANTED THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME, BUT YOU'RE ALSO TRYING TO TELL ME THAT IT HAD A PURPOSE? I SPENT THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE WONDERING, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THESE SCARS. SCARS THAT ARE DEEP TO THE CORE. YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, BUT I CAN FEEL THEM. NORMALLY, WHEN ONE SEE'S SOMEONE WITH PHYSICAL SCARS THERE'S EMPATHY, SYMPATHY, CONCERN, OR SOMETHING. YOU CAN'T SEE THESE, BUT THEY'RE PERMANENT SCARS. NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID DAMN, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? ALTHOUGH I HAD NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT MY TRAUMA'S, DEEP INSIDE I THINK I REALLY WANTED THAT. I WANTED SOMEONE TO LOOK AT ME AND KNOW WHAT I HAD BEEN THROUGH, KNOW THE PAIN THAT I REALLY FELT BEHIND MY SMILE AND HARD EXTERIOR. THEN I REMEMBERED, WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, WRITE IT DOWN. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING SO SMALL, SAID SOO LONG AGO, WOULD BE THE ANSWER FOR ME TODAY. MY PURPOSE, THE PURPOSE IN ME IS TO SHARE WITH YOU WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I'M NOT ASHAMED, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED, AND I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE FEEDBACK. I HAVE FOUND MY PURPOSE AND IT'S TO SHARE WITH YOU, THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU TOO HAVE A PURPOSE.