NOT YOUR AVERAGE

I HAVE SURVIVED A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE CHOSEN, NOT TO BE THE VICTIM, BUT TO CLAIM THE VICTORIES. THIS STATEMENT SOUNDS SOO STRONG TO ME. STRONG, LIKE EVERYONE CLAIMS I AM. JUST TO BE ABLE TO SAY THOSE WORDS, "I AM NOT A VICTIM. I AM A SURVIVOR," I FEEL VICTORIOUS.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? MY HEART IS HEAVY AS IF SOMEONE STOLE IT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRICK. I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT, IN MY CHEST, WHEN I BREATH. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE MY MIND RACES WITH THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP, OCCUPY MY DAYS, AND PARALYZE MY PROGRESSION. OFTEN TIMES, I APPEAR TO BE PAYING ATTENTION, WHEN I'M REALLY FIGHTING OFF THE PRESENCE OF TEARS THAT WILL REVEAL MY PAIN. BUT, OH NO, DON'T YOU DARE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THINKING I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF! MY PAIN DOES NOT DERIVE FROM SELF PITY. MY PAIN IS COMPOSED OF REMNANTS OF.......BETRAYAL!

BETRAYAL! WHAT IS IT? IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR THE NEEDS OF ANOTHER OR IS IT TRULY JUST A BLATANT DISREGARD? IS IT SELFISHNESS OR IGNORANCE? IS IT SCANDALOUS CONNIVING OR TRULY JUST THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN PLAGUED, HIS/HER SELF, BY PAIN?

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "I LOVE YOU! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU." DID THIS STATEMENT CONFUSE YOU? NOT ME. IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STATEMENT, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WILL LOVE HARDER THAN THE "AVERAGE" CAN LOVE. THESE PEOPLE REQUIRE MORE LOVE THAN THE "AVERAGE" IS CAPABLE OF GIVING. WHEN I SAY LOVE, I'M NOT JUST REFERRING TO ROMANTIC LOVE. I MEAN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ANYTHING (A DOG, A BROTHER, A BEST FRIEND, A MAN/WOMAN...ANYTHING OR ANYONE.)

AS THE SAYING GOES, "YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING TO GET THROUGH SOMETHING." THE MAKE UP OF INDIVIDUAL'S CHARACTERS ARE MOSTLY DEVELOPED BY THE LESSONS THEY'VE LEARNED THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES. IF YOU EMBRACE THESE EXPERIENCES, YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE! YOU CAN BE THE MOST EDUCATED PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND NOT KNOW SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH SHIT! THESE LESSONS, IF YOU LEARN BY THEM, WILL ALLOW YOU TO RELATE TO THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY THAN "AVERAGE" PEOPLE. YOU WILL EMBRACE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERFECT JOE WOULD SHY AWAY FROM. YOU WILL BE UNDERSTANDING TO THINGS, WHETHER YOU AGREE OR NOT, THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERSON WOULD BE DISCOMBOBULATED BY.

A THERAPIST ONCE TOLD ME THAT I DIAGNOSE AND PROVIDE MYSELF WITH THERAPY, AND HE FEELS HE IS ONLY THERE TO LISTEN. MAYBE THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS END UP FEELING BETRAYED. I KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. BUT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I DON'T! I UNDERSTAND YOU, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ACTIONS, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MAKE THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, I'VE EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF OR I'VE WITNESSED IT. DESPITE IT ALL, IF I ALLOW YOU IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU, AND ALL THAT COMES WITH IT, BECAUSE I'M NOT "AVERAGE" AND I UNDERSTAND YOU!

HERE IS WHERE THE BETRAYAL COMES IN.....YOU SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

BETRAYAL!

IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I DESIRE FROM YOU OR IS IT REALLY ABOUT SELF GRATIFICATION? ARE YOU SOO SELFISH, THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE ME WHAT I GIVE TO YOU, OR DO YOU TRULY JUST NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE? ARE YOU A SCANDALOUS CONNIVING ASS MOTHERFUCKER OR ARE YOU PLAGUED WITH PAIN THAT HAS THE FEAR OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING YOU.....JUST LIKE ME?

I'M SURE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT FEEL THAT I'VE BETRAYED THEM, IN SOME WAY, FORM, OR FASHION. JUST KNOW THAT I'M NOT SELFISH, I'M NOT IGNORANT, I'M NOT SCANDALOUS, OR CONNIVING (BY ANY MEANS.) I'M VICTORIOUS BECAUSE I LOVED YOU DESPITE MY FEARS OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING ME. MOST IMPORTANTLY, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR "AVERAGE!"

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?