NO WORRIES

POSTING BLOGS BASED ON MY LIFE AND MY MIND SET WAS THE HARDEST DECISION I EVER HAD TO MAKE. BUT, THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY THAT I COULD GET MY THOUGHTS OUT WITHOUT INTERRUPTION, WITHOUT WATCHING FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, WITHOUT BEING ABUSED BY OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS, AND WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I'M BEING JUDGED. THROUGH ALL OF THIS, I REALIZE THAT MY BIGGEST FAULT IS WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. WHAT I DO REALIZE IS THAT MY INSECURITIES ARE NOT MINE TO OWN, THEY ARE INHERITED...IT'S FROM INSECURE PEOPLE WHO JUDGE WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE FEED BACK THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD RECEIVE. HOWEVER, I RECEIVED FEEDBACK FROM PEOPLE WHO MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY EFFORTS ARE NOT IN VAIN. I APPRECIATE THE FOLLOWERS THAT I HAVE AT THIS POINT, AND IT WILL MAKE ME GRIND IT OUT MY MIND THAT MUCH HARDER. HOWEVER, MY WHOLE INTENTION ON WRITING AND GETTING MY STORY OUT, WAS TO UNITE PEOPLE WHO CAN RELATE. IT SEEMS THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN HONESTLY RELATE TO ME....NOT JUST ME, BUT MY MINDSET, WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, WHERE I'M AT, AND WHERE I'M GOING. MIND YOU I'M VERY DISCRETE ON HERE BECAUSE I CAN WEED THROUGH THE "BS"...BUT, I FOUND HER, OR SHE FOUND ME...WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE...I'M THAT MUCH MORE INSPIRED. THE ONE THING THAT SHE SAID, THAT I KNOW I OWE HER FOR, IS "YOU BETTER NOT GIVE UP"...LOL...SHE CALLED ME "SUPER WOMAN!" IF SHE ONLY KNEW THAT WE ALL ARE SUPER WOMEN FOR NOT SETTLING FOR VICTIMS (OF WHATEVER IT MAY BE)....I JUST WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT GIVING UP, I CAN'T GIVE UP....NO WORRIES!

IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME" DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT. IT'S REALLY YOU, AND THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS OR THEY JUST AREN'T BIG ENOUGH TO SAY IT. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU," TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH. WHATEVER IT MAY BE, IT'S JUST REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU. THIS IS A STATEMENT THAT HAS A MAJOR AFFECT ON MY LIFE. I HAVE STRUGGLES AND WAYS OF DEALING WITH THINGS, THAT OTHERS MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. THE CHOICES THAT I MAKE TO HANDLE CERTAIN SITUATIONS MAY OFTEN IMPACT OTHERS. I OFTEN THINK THIS IS A COMBINATION OF SELFISHNESS AND INSECURITY, AND I OFTEN WONDER ON WHO'S PART (MINE OR THEIRS.) MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT TO HURT OTHERS' ...MY INTENTIONS ARE TO SURVIVE WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. I WAS ONCE TOLD THAT THE MIND IS LIKE A CLOSET. LIFE EXPERIENCES AND TRAUMAS, FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, MEMORIES AND DREAMS ARE ALL ITEMS THAT WE PLACE IN THIS CLOSET. AS THEY COME, YOU BEGIN TO STACK THEM NEATLY AGAINST THE BACK WALL. TRAGEDIES AND HURT OFTEN COME IN BIGGER PACKAGES AND REQUIRE A LOT MORE SPACE. THE MORE TIME GOES BY, AND THE MORE YOU EXPERIENCE IN LIFE, THE LESS STORAGE SPACE YOUR CLOSET WILL HAVE. YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO COME NEAR THIS CLOSET BECAUSE AS SOON AS THEY TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR, ALL OF YOUR JUNK WILL FALL ON THEM. THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO IS TO STAY IN THERE UNTIL YOU CAN GET THINGS ORGANIZED. JUST LIKE ANY HOME, YOUR MIND REQUIRES SPRING CLEANING, AND YOU NEED TO TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAR OUT SOME SPACE, GO THROUGH THAT CLOSET, REMOVE THE CLUTTER, AND THROW AWAY THE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT. IF YOU FAIL TO DO SO, IT DOESN'T STOP THE PACKAGES FROM COMING, IT JUST CONTINUES TO DEPLETE YOUR STORAGE SPACE UNTIL THERE IS NO MORE ROOM. YOU'RE STUCK IN THIS SPACE, SURROUNDED BY CLUTTER, AND YOU CAN'T REACH THE DOOR TO LET ANYTHING IN OR OUT. NOW, THIS WASN'T INTENTIONAL, YOU'RE NOT INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO HIDE FROM ANYONE AND YOU'RE NOT INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING...YOU'RE JUST STUCK IN THIS CLOSET UNTIL YOU FIND A WAY TO GET OUT. STUCK IN THIS CLOSET WITH WHATEVER WAS IN THERE BEFORE THE DOOR WAS BLOCKED. CAN YOU IMAGINE? THAT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO BE, ALONE IN THE DARK, SURROUNDED BY THINGS THAT THEY DON'T WANT OR NEED. THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU DON'T KNOW OR WON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE TRAPPED IN THERE. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT GETS SOO OUT OF HAND THAT THE DOOR IS BARRICADED AND IT WON'T OPEN. NO MATTER HOW HARD ANYONE TRIES, IT WON'T OPEN FROM THE INSIDE OR THE OUSIDE. DO YOU SIT AROUND BLAMING THEM FOR BEING IN THERE, OR DO YOU JUST VOW TO BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY COME OUT? THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS OFTEN THE SCENARIO FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA'S. IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF ANYONE'S SIMILAR EXPERIENCES, THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN THE WAY EACH INDIVIDUAL HANDLES THEM. IF PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THEIR WAY OF COPING WILL AFFECT OTHERS, THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COPE. FURTHERMORE, COPING IS JUST SETTLING, AT SOME POINT ONE HAS TO REALIZE THAT'S IT'S TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE CLOSET. NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP HIM OR HER DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S HIS OR HER STUFF. ONLY HE OR SHE WOULD KNOW HOW TO SORT THROUGH IT. IF ONE ALLOWED YOU TO HELP, HE OR SHE WOULD SPEND MORE TIME EXPLAINING TO YOU WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO KEEP AND WHAT THEY NEED TO GET RID OF. BUT IN THE MEAN TIME THEY'RE COLLECTING MORE SHIT. THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE IT IS TO FREE UP SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF TO REALLY GET IN THERE AND SORT THROUGH THE CLUTTER. NO ONE WITH A SOUND MIND LIKES TO LIVE WITH CLUTTER. IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF YOU NOT TO WANT THEM TO BE FREE IF IT AND IT WOULD BE INSECURE OF YOU TO THINK THE ABSENCE IT TAKES TO DO SO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. THE BEST SUPPORT THAT YOU CAN GIVE IS TO UNDERSTAND THAT, IF YOU'RE NOT IN THAT CLOSET, AND THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THERE THAT BELONGS TO YOU THEN, "IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU."

I HEAR VOICES PT. 1

I HAVE A SECRET. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BUT I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU. I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD. SOMETIMES I LISTEN TO THEM, SOMETIMES I DON'T, AND SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO LISTEN TO THEM. I NOTICED THAT THROUGH MY LIFE EXPERIENCES, THE VOICES SPEAK MORE OFTEN. I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE THEY COME FROM AND SOO DO I. MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT ONE DAY LISTENING TO THESE VOICES WILL BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH FOR ME. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY THAT WILL HELP YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND......
ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL, I'M IN THE HOUSE ALONE, WATCHING MOVIES AND ENJOYING SOME ME TIME. THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. I IMMEDIATELY HEARD VOICES IN MY HEAD. NOW, THIS HAPPENS PERIODICALLY BUT, THIS TIME THEY SEEMED MORE PERSISTENT. THE KNOCKS GOT LOUDER AND SO DID THE VOICES. I HAD PREVIOUS SITUATIONS WHERE I WOULD HEAR VOICES, BUT I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THEM. THE KNOCKS WEREN'T SCARING ME AS MUCH AS THE THOUGHTS OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THESE VOICES THIS TIME. THE KNOCKS GOT LOUDER AND SO DID THE VOICES. THE KNOCKS WERE SOO VIGOROUS! I HAVE THE KNOCKS IN MY EARS. I HAVE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD. AND I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF..."WHO WOULD BE AT THE DOOR KNOCKING LIKE THAT? I CAN'T LISTEN TO THESE VOICES. THEY'D MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A DAMN FOOL. BUT, I KNOW ONE THING, I'M NOT GOING TO THAT DAMN DOOR. THIS ISN'T EVEN MY HOUSE." I CLOSED MYSELF UP INTO THE ROOM THAT I WAS IN. THE ROOM HAD SEVERAL DIFFERENT POINTS OF ENTRY, AND WINDOWS THAT ALLOWED YOU TO SEE THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE. I SAT WITH MY BACK AGAINST THE DOOR WHICH LED TO THE GARAGE. THIS WAY I FELT AS THOUGH I COULD SEE THROUGH OUT THE HOUSE AND IF IT DID HAPPEN, THAT I WOULD NEED TO GET OUT, I'D NO WHICH WAY TO GO. BESIDES, NOBODY WOULD COME IN THROUGH THE GARAGE. TO BLOCK OUT THE VOICES AND THE KNOCKS, I CALLED A FRIEND OF MINE TO DISTRACT ME. THE KNOCKS FINALLY STOP AND IT'S QUIET. I FEEL SOO FOOLISH FOR BEING SCARED TO ANSWER THE DOOR. IT'S THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD. I THINK THEY ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO SCARE ME. THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF I DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. I CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION WITH MY FRIEND AND I LET HER KNOW I'M SAFE NOW. DAMN VOICES DON'T KNOW SHIT. WAIT...THE VOICES ARE STILL TALKING AND THIS TIME THEY SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM BEFORE. I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE SO THIS TIME I LISTEN. THEY'RE SAYING, "LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!" "LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!" COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOTHING BEHIND ME, BUT THE DOOR TO THE GARAGE. I DO IT ANYWAY JUST TO PROVE MY POINT. I LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER.... AND THERE IS THE DOOR TO THE GARAGE. YEP I WAS RIGHT....BUT, SO WERE THE VOICES...THE DOOR IS CRACKED OPEN AND IT WASN'T LIKE THAT BEFORE I SAT IN FRONT OF IT.... ALL I CAN SEE IS DARKNESS AND THE WHITENESS OF SOMEONE'S EYES PEAKING IN AT ME. ALTHOUGH I CAN'T SEE A FACE, I KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON AND ALL I CAN FEEL IS THE PRESENCE OF EVIL. TEARS IMMEDIATELY FLOW FROM EYES AND I TELL MY FRIEND "SOMEONE'S HERE." TO THIS DAY...... MAN !!!! I WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED WHEN THERE WERE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR AND THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WERE TELLING ME, "RUN OUT THE HOUSE!"