CHEAT TO WIN AND LOSE

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WOULD NORMALLY BLOG ABOUT AND IS WAY OFF TOPIC FOR THE BOOK I'M WRITING. BUT, ONCE AGAIN, LIFE EXPERIENCES PLAY A PART IN WHERE MY MIND CHOOSES TO ROME. THAT'S WHAT THE BLOG SITE IS FOR RIGHT? I CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT ;) ANYWAY I'M SURE I WILL WRITE PLENTY OF BOOKS AND THIS SUBJECT IS LIABLE TO END UP IN ONE OF THEM. THIS TOPIC HAS BEEN ON MY MIND A LOT LATELY. SO I DECIDED TO BLOG ABOUT IT. I HOPE TO RECEIVE LOTS OF FEEDBACK BECAUSE I AM REALLY ANXIOUS TO SEE THE RESPONSES.

YEARS AGO I WAS TALKING TO AN ASSOCIATE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. SHE WAS IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP (WHATEVER THAT IS.) LET'S STOP PLAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, JUST LIKE I KNOW. HE WAS MARRIED, HAD A "BABY MOMMA," OR A BITCH. IT IS WHAT IT IS. SHE WAS SPRUNG, WASN'T LETTING GO, AND WANTED TO GET IN WHERE SHE COULD FIT IN (EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BITTY SPACE OF HIS WORLD.) ONE DAY, SHE WAS EXPLAINING HER POSITION TO ME AND THE MORE I LISTENED, THE MORE PATHETIC IT SOUNDED. SHE HAD PLAYED BOTH PARTS FOR HIM "WIFEY" AT ONE TIME AND "SIDELINE" AT OTHERS...WHENEVER HE WOULD GO BACK TO "HER" (WIFEY THAT IS.) SHE DESCRIBED THE UPS AND DOWNS AND THE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS THAT CAME ALONG WITH EACH POSITION. EVENTUALLY, SHE GAVE ME HER SYNOPSIS OF THE SITUATION: "I'D RATHER BE THE ONE HIS CHEATING WITH, THAN THE ONE HE'S CHEATING ON CAUSE I'M WINNING." IMMEDIATELY I THOUGHT WTF???????

NOW AT THIS TIME I WAS HAPPILY SINGLE AND COULD REALLY GIVE LESS THAN A DAMN ABOUT A DUDE, HIS WIFE, HIS BABY MOMMA, OR THE SIDELINE HOE. BUT, BOTH POSITIONS APPEARED DESPERATE AND RIDICULOUS TO ME. CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH, EITHER WAY IT'S CHEATING. NOW, MIND YOU AT THIS TIME I'D NEVER BEEN IN LOVE SO I HAD NO CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE THINKING. I REMEMBER HER SAYING,

"I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE LAYING IN BED AT NIGHT WONDERING WHEN MY MAN IS COMING HOME AND WHO HE IS WITH. THAT BROAD KNOWS ABOUT ME AND I KNOW ABOUT HER. WE KICK IT, HE TAKES HIS ASS HOME, AND I SLEEP COMFORTABLY. I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF HIM STAYING THE NIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE HE IS GOING WHEN HE LEAVES BECAUSE HE IS NOT MINE. THAT'S HER PROBLEM."

CHEATED WITH....

EVEN WHILE I'M TYPING THIS, I'M THINKING, WOW!!!! FOR REAL??????? SHE WAS SERIOUS AS HELL AND FOUND REASON IN EVERYTHING SHE SAID. SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE CHEATED WITH HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO KICK IT BOO. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU LAY UP ALL NIGHT THINKING ABOUT WHILE YOU KNOW HE'S AT "HOME" WITH "HER." YOU REPEATED YOUR SO CALLED PERSPECTIVE TO YOUR FRIENDS, WITH THE HOPES THAT YOU WILL START BELIEVING THAT BULLSHIT YOURSELF. SEE NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT FEELINGS. YOU HAVE TO BE, WHAT YOU THINK IS, IN LOVE. IT'S NOT WHORISH TENDENCIES BECAUSE IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION, THIS DUDE WAS BROKE. SO, IT COULDN'T JUST BE THE CHARACTER OF A HOE. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT YOUR LEFT FEELING USED AND EMPTY, IN A USED BED LAYING NEXT TO AN EMPTY SPACE, AND WAKING UP WITH AN EMPTY NIGHTSTAND. UNLIKE MOTEL 6, THE DUDE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL DON'T GET IT. YOU'RE WORTH NOTHING MORE TO HIM THAN THE WET SPOT HE LEFT YOU LAYING IN AND THE CONDOM WRAPPER ON YOUR FLOOR (PLEASE TELL ME YOUR USING CONDOMS!)

AS YOU LAY THERE CUDDLING WITH A PILLOW AND SOAKING IT WITH TEARS THAT DERIVE FROM THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT, HE'S JUST MAKING IT HOME TO SNEAK IN BED NEXT TO "HER." BUT, SHE'S NOT SLEEP, AT LEAST NOT DEEP. SHE CAN'T SLEEP 'TIL SHE KNOWS HE'S SAFELY HOME. HER WOMEN'S INTUITION HAUNTS HER, SO SHE CAN'T FIND COMFORT UNTIL SHE HEARS HIS KEYS IN THE DOOR. AS SHE EXHALES AND CLOSES HER EYES TO FINALLY REST, SHE THINKS TO HERSELF, "THAT'S RIGHT! I MIGHT BE GETTING CHEATED ON BUT HE BRINGS HIS ASS HOME EVERY NIGHT! SO I'M WINNING!" WTF????

(IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN THIS PERSPECTIVE, I'LL USE MONICA. THIS POPULAR R&B SINGER HAS A SONG TITLED "SIDELINE HO." SHE ADDRESSES THE BROADS WHO CHOOSE TO BE CHEATED WITH, FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF FEMALES WHO ARE CHEATED ON. I MUST SAY IT'S A COLD PIECE OF WORK. IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, HIT UP YOUTUBE AFTER READING THIS POST.)

CHEATED ON......

IN A NUTSHELL, WHAT SHE SAYS, IS IF YOU'RE CHEATED WITH, YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A SIDELINE HOE (IN HER EYES AND HIS!) WHEN HE LEAVES YOU......OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.....HE'S WITH HER. WHEN YOU CALL HIM HE WON'T ANSWER AND YOU BETTER BE QUIET, IF SHE CALLS HIM, WHEN HE'S WITH YOU......IMPORTANT DAYS YOU CAN'T FIND HIM BECAUSE THEY HAD SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.....WHEN YOU NEED HIM HE'S NOT THERE BECAUSE HER NEEDS COME FIRST....IF HE SPENDS ON YOU AT ALL, IT WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE HE SPENDS HIS ENDS TAKING CARE OF HOME, AND THAT'S WHERE SHE IS....MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SCRAMBLE THOSE EGGS, PULL DOWN THAT ONE PLATE, PULL THAT ONE FORK OUT THE DRAWER, SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE TO LOOK ACROSS AND SEE AN EMPTY CHAIR......SHE'S FEEDING HER MAN BREAKFAST AT THE HOME THEY SHARE. LIKE THE WORDS IN THE CHORUS OF THE SONG...."IF YOU DON'T MAKE HIS BREAKFAST YOUR A SIDELINE HO!"

SEE IN HER MIND, SHE KNOWS THAT YOU EXIST, BUT SHE'S A WOMAN...AND HE NEEDS YOU TO DO HOODRAT SHIT FOR HIM, THAT SHE TOO WILL BENEFIT FROM. YOU HANG WITH HIM IN THE HOOD WITH THE SCANDALOUS ONES HE WOULDN'T DARE LET BE AROUND HIS WOMAN. YOU CHILL WITH HIM AND THE HOMIES, COMFY WITH A DIME SACK, WATCHING HIS BACK, WHILE HE MAKES HIS ENDS TO BUY HER COACH. SHE'S NOT INTIMIDATED BY YOU BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU COULD NEVER BE HER. HE'LL NEVER TREAT YOU THE WAY HE TREATS HER BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR WORTH. SHE HOLDS ON TIGHT, AND BE THE WOMAN HE NEEDS, WHILE YOU PRAY FOR HER TO LET GO. SHE STAYS ON HER A-GAME AND STAYS ON POINT BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO LOSE HER MAN TO A "SIDELINE HOE."

LOOKING AT THESE TWO BROADS YOU HAVE TO WONDER....WHO IS THIS DUDE? HE'S SOMEONE WHO WAS TRUTHFUL WITH BOTH OF THEM FROM JUMP......"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP." HE WAS ENJOYING HIS LIFE, SINGLE, AND STROKING HIS EGO WITH ANY AND EVERY BROAD THAT WOULD PUT UP WITH HIM. DIDN'T CATCH FEELINGS (SO HE THOUGHT) AND WARNED EVERY ONE OF THEM NOT TO CATCH ANY EITHER....... AND IN HIS MIND.....HE WAS WINNING.

CHEATER.....

HE IS LIVING HIS LIFE STRICTLY FOR SELF GRATIFICATION.....HE IS SELFISH! THEN, ALONG COMES "WIFEY" WHAT THE STREETS CALL THE "BOTTOM BITCH" WHO IS REALLY ON TOP. SHE'S VERSATILE SHE GREW UP IN THE HOOD, HAS JUST ENOUGH STREET SMARTS, BALANCED BY BOOK SMARTS, AND FAR FROM A HOODRAT... SHE EARNED HER POSITION, SHE EARNED HIS TRUST, HIS SECRETS, HIS TIME, HIS MONEY, HIS LOVE....HE BELONGS TO HER AND SHE BELONGS TO HIM AND EVERYONE WHO MATTERS KNOWS...... SHE'S EDUCATED, PRETTY, DOESN'T HANG IN THE STREETS TOO MUCH, CAN PULL HIM OUT OF ANY AND EVERYTHING HE GETS INTO, DOESN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS BECAUSE SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO NOT BE LINKED TO THE ANSWERS, AND NO, IS NOT IN HER VOCABULARY WHEN IT COMES TO PLEASING HER MAN. SHE'S WHAT HE NEEDS....BUT NOT NECESSARILY WHAT HE WANTS.

SEE HE'S NOT SURE OF HIS WORTH, AND BECAUSE OF HIS PAST, HE'S NOT CONFIDENT THAT HE DESERVES HER (WIFEY.) THESE INSECURITIES MAKE HIM WANT HER (THE SIDELINE HO.) HE FEELS HE NEEDS HER AS AN ESCAPE...A FALL BACK PLAN... HE CAN GET MAD AT WIFEY, LEAVE TO COOL OFF, AND GO TAKE IT OUT ON THE ONE HE'S CHEATING WITH. SHE'S GOING TO SETTLE FOR WHATEVER HE HAS LEFT TO GIVE, AND ACCEPT HIS DISRESPECTFUL MANNER OF GIVING IT. SHE IS HIS ENTERTAINMENT. SHE DOESN'T ASK WHERE HE'S BEEN BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT SHE IS NOT WHERE HE'S GOING... AND SHE ACCEPTS THAT. SHE BECOMES HIS FLUNKY AND WHEN HE FAILS AT HOME HE CAN GO TO HER AND FEEL HE'S WINNING. SHE MAKES THEIR TIME FUN AND EXCITING BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHARE THE STRESSES OF LIFE. BUT, HE DOESN'T NEED HER BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT'S NO FUN IF THE HOMIES CAN'T HAVE NONE. HE DOESN'T TRUST HER, HE DOESN'T RESPECT HER, AND FRANKLY HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE'S AWAY FROM HIM......BECAUSE HE'S GOT "HER" (WIFEY.)

WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH CONCEPT IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME BECAUSE I HADN'T LOVED LIKE THAT. I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYBODY WHO I WORRIED ABOUT WHERE THEY WERE OR WHO THEY WERE WITH. I WAS THAT CONFIDENT IN ME. BUT, THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES I HAVE LEARNED THAT WHAT WE CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH AND ACCEPT IS A REFLECTION OF OUR SELF WORTH. IF YOU'RE A WOMAN WITH SOME LEVEL OF STREET SMARTS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOU'VE PLAYED ONE OR ALL OF THESE ROLES. AT ONE POINT IN TIME YOU WERE A CHEATER, CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY I CHOSE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP. TRUST ME, I MAKE BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, AND PROVIDE A LATE NIGHT SNACK ;). BUT, I HAVE MY INTUITIONS AS WELL. I HAVEN'T REACTED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. IF MY INTUITIONS ARE CORRECT, I'M THE ONE HE 'CHEATED ON.' I DON'T HAVE CONFIRMATION SO I HAVEN'T CAUGHT A CASE FOR EXERCISING THE VERSATILE SIDE OF ME WITH ANYONE HE'S "CHEATED WITH." IF I CONTINUE TO TORTURE MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT COME WITH WOMEN'S INTUITION I'M PLAYING MYSELF AND I BECOME "THE CHEATER." CHEATING MYSELF OUT OF BEING HAPPY WITH SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ME.

CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR CHEATING. IT'S ALL REMNANTS OF YOUR PAST. SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT REDUCED YOUR SELF WORTH. HAD IT NOT, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE TO SLEEP GOOD AT NIGHT AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. YOU DESERVE TO BE COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF UNTIL THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE WITH COMES ALONG. YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANY AMOUNT OF MEN OR WOMEN COULD LOVE YOU. WHEN YOU ARE THAT POINT IN THE GAME.....YOU ARE WINNING.

THE OBJECT OF CHEATING IS TO WIN. IF YOU ARE THE CHEATER, CHEATED ON, OR CHEATED WITH, YOUR LOSING YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS. ASK YOURSELF IF IT'S WORTH IT TO "CHEAT TO WIN.....AND LOSE?"

NOT YOUR AVERAGE

I HAVE SURVIVED A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE CHOSEN, NOT TO BE THE VICTIM, BUT TO CLAIM THE VICTORIES. THIS STATEMENT SOUNDS SOO STRONG TO ME. STRONG, LIKE EVERYONE CLAIMS I AM. JUST TO BE ABLE TO SAY THOSE WORDS, "I AM NOT A VICTIM. I AM A SURVIVOR," I FEEL VICTORIOUS.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? MY HEART IS HEAVY AS IF SOMEONE STOLE IT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRICK. I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT, IN MY CHEST, WHEN I BREATH. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE MY MIND RACES WITH THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP, OCCUPY MY DAYS, AND PARALYZE MY PROGRESSION. OFTEN TIMES, I APPEAR TO BE PAYING ATTENTION, WHEN I'M REALLY FIGHTING OFF THE PRESENCE OF TEARS THAT WILL REVEAL MY PAIN. BUT, OH NO, DON'T YOU DARE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THINKING I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF! MY PAIN DOES NOT DERIVE FROM SELF PITY. MY PAIN IS COMPOSED OF REMNANTS OF.......BETRAYAL!

BETRAYAL! WHAT IS IT? IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR THE NEEDS OF ANOTHER OR IS IT TRULY JUST A BLATANT DISREGARD? IS IT SELFISHNESS OR IGNORANCE? IS IT SCANDALOUS CONNIVING OR TRULY JUST THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN PLAGUED, HIS/HER SELF, BY PAIN?

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "I LOVE YOU! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU." DID THIS STATEMENT CONFUSE YOU? NOT ME. IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STATEMENT, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WILL LOVE HARDER THAN THE "AVERAGE" CAN LOVE. THESE PEOPLE REQUIRE MORE LOVE THAN THE "AVERAGE" IS CAPABLE OF GIVING. WHEN I SAY LOVE, I'M NOT JUST REFERRING TO ROMANTIC LOVE. I MEAN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ANYTHING (A DOG, A BROTHER, A BEST FRIEND, A MAN/WOMAN...ANYTHING OR ANYONE.)

AS THE SAYING GOES, "YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING TO GET THROUGH SOMETHING." THE MAKE UP OF INDIVIDUAL'S CHARACTERS ARE MOSTLY DEVELOPED BY THE LESSONS THEY'VE LEARNED THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES. IF YOU EMBRACE THESE EXPERIENCES, YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE! YOU CAN BE THE MOST EDUCATED PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND NOT KNOW SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH SHIT! THESE LESSONS, IF YOU LEARN BY THEM, WILL ALLOW YOU TO RELATE TO THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY THAN "AVERAGE" PEOPLE. YOU WILL EMBRACE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERFECT JOE WOULD SHY AWAY FROM. YOU WILL BE UNDERSTANDING TO THINGS, WHETHER YOU AGREE OR NOT, THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERSON WOULD BE DISCOMBOBULATED BY.

A THERAPIST ONCE TOLD ME THAT I DIAGNOSE AND PROVIDE MYSELF WITH THERAPY, AND HE FEELS HE IS ONLY THERE TO LISTEN. MAYBE THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS END UP FEELING BETRAYED. I KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. BUT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I DON'T! I UNDERSTAND YOU, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ACTIONS, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MAKE THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, I'VE EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF OR I'VE WITNESSED IT. DESPITE IT ALL, IF I ALLOW YOU IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU, AND ALL THAT COMES WITH IT, BECAUSE I'M NOT "AVERAGE" AND I UNDERSTAND YOU!

HERE IS WHERE THE BETRAYAL COMES IN.....YOU SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

BETRAYAL!

IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I DESIRE FROM YOU OR IS IT REALLY ABOUT SELF GRATIFICATION? ARE YOU SOO SELFISH, THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE ME WHAT I GIVE TO YOU, OR DO YOU TRULY JUST NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE? ARE YOU A SCANDALOUS CONNIVING ASS MOTHERFUCKER OR ARE YOU PLAGUED WITH PAIN THAT HAS THE FEAR OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING YOU.....JUST LIKE ME?

I'M SURE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT FEEL THAT I'VE BETRAYED THEM, IN SOME WAY, FORM, OR FASHION. JUST KNOW THAT I'M NOT SELFISH, I'M NOT IGNORANT, I'M NOT SCANDALOUS, OR CONNIVING (BY ANY MEANS.) I'M VICTORIOUS BECAUSE I LOVED YOU DESPITE MY FEARS OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING ME. MOST IMPORTANTLY, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR "AVERAGE!"

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?