REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

LIFE EXPERIENCES HAVE CAUSED MY WAY OF THINKING TO BE SOMEWHAT DISTORTED. IT'S BEEN MY COPING MECHANISM FOR SOO LONG. IT WORKS FOR ME, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT CAN BE HARMFUL TO WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME. I'VE SURVIVED ALL THE HURT AND PAIN THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED IN LIFE THROUGH REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. AS I AM HEALING AND MATURING, I AM LEARNING THAT MY WAY IS NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT WAY. IT DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO FEEL THE WAY I DESERVE TO FEEL, OR DO THE THINGS THAT I DESERVE TO DO. I KNOW THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING WTF IS SHE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? OK HERE IT IS, I ADMIT IT, I'M NEGATIVE. I AM A NEGATIVE INDIVIDUAL AND I DON'T HAVE FAITH IN ANYONE BUT GOD AND MYSELF. I DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME. BUT, AT THE SAME TIME I EXPECT FOR PEOPLE TO TREAT ME AS I WOULD TREAT THEM. I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT, ALONE, IS EXPECTING TOO MUCH. I HAVE COME TO LEARN THAT I AM TRULY AN INDIVIDUAL. GOOD OR BAD, I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE ME, AND YOU PROBABLY WON'T EITHER. THEREFORE, I CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO KNOW HOW TO TREAT THE UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL THAT GOD CREATED ME TO BE. HOW WILL THEY KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS (UNLESS THEY'VE FELT WHAT I'VE FELT)? HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY (IF I RESIST YOUR ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME SMILE)? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED FROM YOU (IF I NEVER TELL YOU WHAT I WANT)? HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY WHO ALWAYS APPEARS MAD OR DISCONNECTED (WHEN DEEP INSIDE ALL THEY WANT IS TO BE HAPPY)? HOW DOES SOMEONE NURTURE SOMEONE WHOM THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY UNDERSTAND?

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY HAS CREATED A WALL BETWEEN MY FEELINGS AND OTHER PEOPLES' FEELINGS. MY BIGGEST FEAR IN LIFE IS BEING HURT, SO I DO WHAT I FEEL IS NECESSARY TO AVOID EXPERIENCING THAT FEELING. OFTEN TIMES, IT RESULTS IN ME PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY, WHEN I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE GETTING TO CLOSE TO ME. I SABOTAGE WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR FEAR OF SOMETHING GOING WRONG. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, FOR ME, IS TO ALWAYS EXPECT THE NEGATIVE IN ORDER TO AVOID EVER BEING LET DOWN. I DON'T LIVE MY LIFE THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD BE, I THINK ABOUT WHAT IT IS...AND FOR SOO LONG IT'S EITHER BEEN BLACK OR WHITE. IT'S LIKE I'M COLOR BLIND. I DON'T SEE THE POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW, BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A RAINBOW. IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME AT THE MOMENT AND IT'S EITHER A POT OF GOLD, OR IT'S AN EMPTY CAN. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'VE DONE A LOT OF RECYCLING. WHEN I KNOW SOMETHING OR SOMEONE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO HURT ME...I GET RID OF IT.

TAKE RELATIONSHIPS FOR INSTANCE. SOMEONE ONCE SAID, "ALWAYS BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM." I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS HOW I LIVED MY LIFE, WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING IT. I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? A WOMAN WELL IN HER 30'S AND I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'VE LOVED.....BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO. I'VE LOVED FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND EVEN MY DOG. THERE IS NO WAY TO EXPLAIN THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MY KIDS BUT, TO ACTUALLY OPEN MY HEART IN THAT MANNER TO A MAN, HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ISSUE FOR ME. TO ADD SOME CLARITY, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WOMEN, I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH A MAN. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE LOVE I HAVE FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND THE PERSON I'M DATING IS THE INTIMACY. BUT, SEX IS NOT THE WAY TO MY HEART. ALTHOUGH, I MAY BE LOW KEY ADDICTED TO IT (WITH THE RIGHT PERSON) LOL....THERE IS NO CONFUSION BETWEEN LOVE AND SEX FOR ME. I'VE NEVER KNOWN LOVE THE WAY I WOULD LIKE TO, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THE WAY TO MY HEART IS NOT THROUGH FEELINGS OF THE FLESH, BUT THROUGH MEETINGS OF THE MINDS. I'VE NEVER LET ANYONE GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO MY MIND TO TRULY HAVE MY HEART. I'VE ALWAYS FEARED THAT NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND ME. TO MOST, I APPEAR HARD WHEN DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I'M EXTREMELY FRAGILE. WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS EXPECTED THE WORSE. I'VE BEEN LET DOWN BY MY FATHER, BROTHERS, UNCLES, COUSINS, FRIENDS, AND MEN I NEVER KNEW IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOO IN RELATIONSHIPS, I'VE ALWAYS EXPECTED IT, AND I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT WHEN I SUSPECTED IT.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW? HOW DO YOU CHANGE PATTERNS THAT YOU'VE FOLLOWED FOR SOO LONG? IF YOU KNOW AND LOVE SOMEONE LIKE ME, HOW DO YOU HELP THEM OUT OF THIS WAY OF THINKING? THE ANSWER.....REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. JUST AS THEY WOULD HAVE TO ADJUST THEIR WAY OF THINKING FOR YOU, YOU WILL NEED TO DO THE SAME. TO BREAK THIS CYCLE YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT DEEP INSIDE, NO MATTER HOW EMOTIONLESS THIS PERSON APPEARS TO BE, THEY ARE REALLY HIDING THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OVERLY EMOTIONAL. THERE IS A BIG HEART IN THERE SOMEWHERE FULL OF LOVE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO GAIN THE TRUST IT REQUIRES TO LET IT OUT. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD CONVERT TO THEIR WAY OF THINKING. I'M SAYING STEP OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF AND THINK ABOUT THE WAY THAT THEY FEEL AND WHAT THEY'VE EXPERIENCED THAT CREATED THIS WAY OF THINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE. I AM LEARNING TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT EVERYONE IS NOT OUT TO HURT ME AND NOT EVERYONE WILL LET ME DOWN. I CAN'T LET WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH IN MY PAST BE THE GUIDE TO MY FUTURE. I HAVE OPENED MY HEART AND MY MIND TO LOVE AND EACH DAY IS AN INNER STRUGGLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE DEEPER I FALL, THE MORE EMOTIONAL I BECOME. I STILL HAVE MY FEARS AND I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS. HOWEVER I CAN HONESTLY RECOGNIZE MY FLAWS. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, USED IN THE MANNER THAT I'VE USED IT, IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THEM. IF YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO SHARES THIS WAY OF THINKING, KNOW THAT IT IS DEFINITELY TIME FOR CHANGE. IN ORDER TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND BE TRULY HAPPY CHANGE IS MANDATORY. WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, YOU ARE HURTING SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND MOST OF ALL YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF.

FIX THE PROBLEM. IT'S LIKE MATH, A NEGATIVE AND A POSITIVE WILL ALWAYS MAKE A NEGATIVE. THEY SEE, WHAT THEY FEEL IS, THE SLIGHTEST SIGN OF POTENTIAL TO BE HURT AND THEY'RE ONLY WAY OF COPING IS SUBTRACTION. IF YOU TRULY LOVE THIS PERSON, FIND A FORMULA THAT WILL CHANGE THAT NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE AND THINGS WILL BE POSITIVE FOR BOTH OF YOU. PEOPLE IN THIS MINDSET EXPECT YOU TO FAIL THEM AND LET THEM DOWN. THAT'S THE ONLY EXPECTATION THEY HAVE OF YOU,.SO IF YOU GIVE UP AND GIVE IN, YOU HAVE DONE JUST THAT.....FAILED THEM AND LET THEM DOWN. NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY EXPECT FROM YOU, USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND PROVE THEM WRONG. YOU'LL BE SURPRISED AT THE AMOUNT OF LOVE YOU'LL FIND ONCE THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED.

FOR ME TO CONVERT MY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY WILL BE AN ONGOING EFFORT. I'M STILL AFRAID OF BEING HURT, BUT I NO LONGER FEAR BEING IN LOVE. DOES THIS MEAN I'M FINALLY IN IT? HMMM WHAT DO YOU THINK? THE ANSWER IS THERE, JUST USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY...LMAO ;)

PEACE OUT

IT'S DARK IN HERE

IT'S LONELY IN HERE AND THE ROOM IS FULL OF PEOPLE. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT STILL IT SEEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE. I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES WITH NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. IT TAKES ALL THE ENERGY I HAVE FOR THE DAY, JUST TO MAKE IT OUT OF BED. I HAVE HAUNTING THOUGHTS OF LONELINESS RACING THROUGH MY HEAD. ALL OF MY SMILES ARE FROWNS, AND ALL OF MY LAUGHS ARE CRIES. CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESENT, TOO BUSY WONDERING WHY. I CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR YOU, BECAUSE I'VE LOST ALL OF THE EXCITEMENT IN ME. EVERYDAY IS A STRUGGLE, AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. THEY ONLY KNOW HOW THEY WANT THINGS TO BE. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE PLACES I'VE SEEN, SO YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I SEE. YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND HOW THE PAST HAUNTS YOUR PRESENT, AND THE PRESENT CONTINUES TO REFLECT YOUR PAST. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE EACH DAY WONDERING IF IT WILL BE YOUR LAST. IT'S NOT INTENTIONAL TO BE HAUNTED BY FEAR, ALTHOUGH YOU THINK MY ACTIONS ARE ABOUT YOU. BUT, NOT ONCE DO I HEAR YOU SAY, "WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO?" WHAT DO YOU DO TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO'S ACTIONS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? IF YOU PAST JUDGMENT BASED UPON YOUR OWN NEEDS, THEN YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE HEALING PLAN.
IT'S LONELY IN HERE AND THE ROOM IS FULL OF PEOPLE. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT STILL IT SEEMS THAT I CAN'T SEE. I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES WITH NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. IF I LET YOU IN MY THOUGHTS THINGS STILL WOULD NOT BE CLEAR. I CAN'T SHED LIGHT ON MY MY INNER THOUGHTS FOR YOU BECAUSE IT'S DARK IN HERE.

DEPRESSION IS REAL, AND THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO TO SUPPORT IT, IS TO DO WHAT'S NECESSARY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND IT. THERE ARE SOO MANY PEOPLE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCED THINGS, THAT MAY SEEM MINOR TO YOU. EACH PERSON COPES WITH SITUATIONS DIFFERENTLY AND THE IMPACT CAN BE EVER LASTING. OPEN YOUR MIND TO WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THERE ARE SOO MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENDED THEIR OWN LIVES BECAUSE THEY FELT SOO ALONE. DON'T LET SOMEONE YOU LOVE SUFFER ON HIS OR HER OWN. DO YOUR RESEARCH, EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT THE SYMPTOMS AND SIGNS. THEN DO YOUR PART AS THEIR LOVED ONE, BECAUSE NOTHING CAN HEAL IT BUT THEMSELVES AND TIME.

WHO'S THAT GIRL

I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING WHO'S THAT GIRL? WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH HER? RIGHT...LOL...I'M YOUR MOTHER, WHO YOU WISH UNDERSTOOD YOU. I'M YOUR SISTER THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...THE GIRL IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO YOU, WHO APPEARS TO JUST NOT GIVE A DAMN...YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT YOU WISH YOU UNDERSTOOD...YOUR WOMAN, WHOSE PAIN YOU WISH YOU COULD EASE....I'M YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD PROTECT. I AM EVERY WOMAN, WHO WISHES THAT THEY HAD THE COURAGE TO TELL YOU WHAT I'M MORE THAN WILLING TO REVEAL.
I AM THE VOICE OF EVERY WOMAN, WHO HAS OVERCOME TRAGEDIES....OR WHO ARE OVERCOMING TRAGEDIES. AT THE END OF THE DAY...WHEN THIS BLOG IS FINISHED...AND I'M TIRED OF WRITING (WHICH WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE) YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT'S INSIDE OF THE MIND OF PEOPLE THAT SHARE MY EXPERIENCES. TRUST ME, IT'S MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

THAT LITTLE GIRL

I THINK TO MYSELF THAT THERE IS A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME. SHE'S PROBABLY ABOUT THE AGE OF 13, POSSIBLY YOUNGER. THAT'S ABOUT THE AGE I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE I FELT AS THOUGH NO ONE ELSE COULD OR WOULD. AS A RESULT, I HAD TO GROW UP MUCH FASTER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO. BECAUSE MY CHILDHOOD STOPPED AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, I TRULY BELIEVE THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, AND SHE COMES OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN. (ANYTHING THAT I DO OR HAVE DONE, THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OUT OF LINE, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HER BAD ASS LOL.) NO BUT SERIOUSLY, I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT MYSELF, BUT THERE WAS A SITUATION THAT GAVE ME CONFIRMATION. AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE LANDED ME AT A POLICE STATION WITH A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER. THE MOTHER HAD CAUGHT HER HUSBAND (BIOLOGICAL FATHER OF THE CHILD) ON TOP OF HER 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HE WAS RIDICULOUSLY DRUNK, WHICH WAS NO EXCUSE FOR ME, AND HE WAS NAKED. NO AMOUNT OF LIQUOR COULD HAVE JUSTIFIED THIS BEHAVIOR. I WAS ALLOWED TO SIT IN ON THE INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE MOTHER AND THE OFFICER. AS THE MOTHER DESCRIBED WHAT SHE HAD WITNESSED, I WATCHED THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE. THERE WAS NO EMOTION, NO CONCERN, AND ALMOST A SENSE OF DISBELIEF. NOT DISBELIEF FOR THE SITUATION, BUT DISBELIEF THAT THE MOTHER WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME AND ALLEGE SUCH A THING. HE ASKED THE MOTHER, "WAS YOUR DAUGHTER AWAKE DURING THIS INCIDENT?" THE MOTHER REPLIED, "I THINK SHE WAS PRETENDING TO BE SLEEP." THE OFFICER STATED, IN A REAL MATTER OF FACT TONE, "KIDS THAT YOUNG DON'T PLAY SLEEP, THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD LAY THERE WHILE A 200 LB MAN WAS OVER HER NAKED." THAT STATEMENT CAUSED SUCH A REACTION IN ME THAT I COULD HARDLY CONTROL MYSELF. EXCUSE MY FRENCH, BUT WHO THE FUCK MADE HIM A SPECIALIST ON MOLESTATION? I HAD MIXED EMOTIONS THOUGH....FIRST OF ALL I THOUGHT THE OFFICER SHOULD HAVE HIS BADGE TAKEN FOR BEING SOO IGNORANT TO REALITY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO WONDER WHY THE MOTHER ASSUMED THAT THE CHILD WOULD PLAY SLEEP. DID SHE HAVE TO PLAY SLEEP TOO? WAS SHE ALSO THAT LITTLE GIRL? SEE LIFE EXPERIENCES GIVE YOU INSTINCTS, INTUITIONS, AND REACTIONS THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON WOULDN'T HAVE. SEE, I KNOW THAT LITTLE GIRLS, THAT YOUNG, ARE CAPABLE OF PLAYING SLEEP, KNOWING WHEN TO PLAY SLEEP, AND KNOWING WHEN TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN. THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE TO THAT SITUATION BROUGHT OUT THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME. I FELT THE PAIN OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. I FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, AND IF THIS OFFICER DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, WHO WAS GOING TO PROTECT ME. I WANTED TO CRY, I WANTED TO ACT OUT, I WANTED TO SHUT DOWN, I WANTED TO DISAPPEAR, I JUST WANTED IT TO ALL GO AWAY. BUT WAIT, AS I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I REALIZE THAT THESE REACTIONS WEREN'T MINE. THE REACTIONS CAME FROM DEEP INSIDE OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. THAT LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, WHO I HAD VOWED TO PROTECT...I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE CAN SAY OH MY GOD...I AM THAT LITTLE GIRL.

NOW, I CAN'T ELABORATE TOO MUCH ON MY END OF THE STORY...THEN YOU WON'T READ MY BOOK. BUT, YES...I WAS THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT KNEW TO PLAY SLEEP, HOW LONG TO PLAY SLEEP, AND WHY. ALTHOUGH, IN MY SITUATION IT WAS NOT MY FATHER...IT WAS REAL..AND TO THIS DAY, I STILL FIND MYSELF TRYING TO PROTECT "THAT LITTLE GIRL."

THE PURPOSE

THEY TOOK FROM ME WHAT I DID NOT GIVE
AND IN RETURN THEY ALLOWED ME TO LIVE.

LIVE WITH QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, AND DOUBT
QUESTIONING WHAT MY LIFE WAS ABOUT.

CONCERNED ABOUT HOW I WILL CONTINUE ON
DOUBTING THAT I CAN LIVE LIFE WITHOUT MOURN.

QUESTIONING WHY MY LIFE WAS SPARED.
CONCERNED FOR MY CHILDREN, BUT MOSTLY SCARED.

DOUBTING THAT I CAN FIND MY PURPOSE.
FIGHTING THE FEELINGS OF BEING WORTHLESS.

REALIZING THE PURPOSE WAS ALWAYS THERE.
THAT THIS EXPERIENCE WAS MEANT TO SHARE.

TO COMFORT THOSE THAT FEEL LIKE ME.
TO LET THEM KNOW "THE PURPOSE" IS TO BE.

COPYRIGHT 2005

THE PURPOSE. THIS WAS THE VERY FIRST POEM I WROTE. TO THIS DAY, WHEN I READ IT, IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE. IT REPRESENTS THE MOMENT I REALIZED ALL THE PAIN THAT I HAD TUCKED AWAY. I WAS NEVER ONE TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THINGS, AND ALL THE WHILE, I THOUGHT I WAS JUST FINE. I DESCRIBED MY WAY OF DEALING WITH THINGS AS PUSHING IT TO THE BACK OF MY MIND, AND KEEPING IT PUSHING. UNTIL, ONE DAY I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD NO MORE ROOM IN THE BACK, AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST GOING TO PUSH ITSELF OUT (WHETHER I WANTED IT TO OR NOT.) MANY OF THE THINGS I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE NO WOMAN (OR MAN FOR THAT MATTER) SHOULD HAVE TO EXPERIENCE. I SPENT MANY OF NIGHTS WHEN I WAS ALONE ASKING WHY. THE ONE ANSWER THAT I WOULD GET THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF TO THE HIGHEST OF "PISSTIVITY" WAS "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, AND GOD WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE." HUH? NOT ONLY ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, THAT GOD WANTED THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME, BUT YOU'RE ALSO TRYING TO TELL ME THAT IT HAD A PURPOSE? I SPENT THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE WONDERING, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THESE SCARS. SCARS THAT ARE DEEP TO THE CORE. YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, BUT I CAN FEEL THEM. NORMALLY, WHEN ONE SEE'S SOMEONE WITH PHYSICAL SCARS THERE'S EMPATHY, SYMPATHY, CONCERN, OR SOMETHING. YOU CAN'T SEE THESE, BUT THEY'RE PERMANENT SCARS. NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID DAMN, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? ALTHOUGH I HAD NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT MY TRAUMA'S, DEEP INSIDE I THINK I REALLY WANTED THAT. I WANTED SOMEONE TO LOOK AT ME AND KNOW WHAT I HAD BEEN THROUGH, KNOW THE PAIN THAT I REALLY FELT BEHIND MY SMILE AND HARD EXTERIOR. THEN I REMEMBERED, WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, WRITE IT DOWN. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING SO SMALL, SAID SOO LONG AGO, WOULD BE THE ANSWER FOR ME TODAY. MY PURPOSE, THE PURPOSE IN ME IS TO SHARE WITH YOU WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I'M NOT ASHAMED, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED, AND I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE FEEDBACK. I HAVE FOUND MY PURPOSE AND IT'S TO SHARE WITH YOU, THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU TOO HAVE A PURPOSE.