THAT LITTLE GIRL

I THINK TO MYSELF THAT THERE IS A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME. SHE'S PROBABLY ABOUT THE AGE OF 13, POSSIBLY YOUNGER. THAT'S ABOUT THE AGE I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE I FELT AS THOUGH NO ONE ELSE COULD OR WOULD. AS A RESULT, I HAD TO GROW UP MUCH FASTER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO. BECAUSE MY CHILDHOOD STOPPED AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, I TRULY BELIEVE THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, AND SHE COMES OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN. (ANYTHING THAT I DO OR HAVE DONE, THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OUT OF LINE, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HER BAD ASS LOL.) NO BUT SERIOUSLY, I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT MYSELF, BUT THERE WAS A SITUATION THAT GAVE ME CONFIRMATION. AN UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE LANDED ME AT A POLICE STATION WITH A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER. THE MOTHER HAD CAUGHT HER HUSBAND (BIOLOGICAL FATHER OF THE CHILD) ON TOP OF HER 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HE WAS RIDICULOUSLY DRUNK, WHICH WAS NO EXCUSE FOR ME, AND HE WAS NAKED. NO AMOUNT OF LIQUOR COULD HAVE JUSTIFIED THIS BEHAVIOR. I WAS ALLOWED TO SIT IN ON THE INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE MOTHER AND THE OFFICER. AS THE MOTHER DESCRIBED WHAT SHE HAD WITNESSED, I WATCHED THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE. THERE WAS NO EMOTION, NO CONCERN, AND ALMOST A SENSE OF DISBELIEF. NOT DISBELIEF FOR THE SITUATION, BUT DISBELIEF THAT THE MOTHER WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME AND ALLEGE SUCH A THING. HE ASKED THE MOTHER, "WAS YOUR DAUGHTER AWAKE DURING THIS INCIDENT?" THE MOTHER REPLIED, "I THINK SHE WAS PRETENDING TO BE SLEEP." THE OFFICER STATED, IN A REAL MATTER OF FACT TONE, "KIDS THAT YOUNG DON'T PLAY SLEEP, THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD LAY THERE WHILE A 200 LB MAN WAS OVER HER NAKED." THAT STATEMENT CAUSED SUCH A REACTION IN ME THAT I COULD HARDLY CONTROL MYSELF. EXCUSE MY FRENCH, BUT WHO THE FUCK MADE HIM A SPECIALIST ON MOLESTATION? I HAD MIXED EMOTIONS THOUGH....FIRST OF ALL I THOUGHT THE OFFICER SHOULD HAVE HIS BADGE TAKEN FOR BEING SOO IGNORANT TO REALITY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO WONDER WHY THE MOTHER ASSUMED THAT THE CHILD WOULD PLAY SLEEP. DID SHE HAVE TO PLAY SLEEP TOO? WAS SHE ALSO THAT LITTLE GIRL? SEE LIFE EXPERIENCES GIVE YOU INSTINCTS, INTUITIONS, AND REACTIONS THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON WOULDN'T HAVE. SEE, I KNOW THAT LITTLE GIRLS, THAT YOUNG, ARE CAPABLE OF PLAYING SLEEP, KNOWING WHEN TO PLAY SLEEP, AND KNOWING WHEN TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN. THE OFFICER'S RESPONSE TO THAT SITUATION BROUGHT OUT THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME. I FELT THE PAIN OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. I FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, AND IF THIS OFFICER DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, WHO WAS GOING TO PROTECT ME. I WANTED TO CRY, I WANTED TO ACT OUT, I WANTED TO SHUT DOWN, I WANTED TO DISAPPEAR, I JUST WANTED IT TO ALL GO AWAY. BUT WAIT, AS I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I REALIZE THAT THESE REACTIONS WEREN'T MINE. THE REACTIONS CAME FROM DEEP INSIDE OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. THAT LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, WHO I HAD VOWED TO PROTECT...I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE CAN SAY OH MY GOD...I AM THAT LITTLE GIRL.

NOW, I CAN'T ELABORATE TOO MUCH ON MY END OF THE STORY...THEN YOU WON'T READ MY BOOK. BUT, YES...I WAS THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT KNEW TO PLAY SLEEP, HOW LONG TO PLAY SLEEP, AND WHY. ALTHOUGH, IN MY SITUATION IT WAS NOT MY FATHER...IT WAS REAL..AND TO THIS DAY, I STILL FIND MYSELF TRYING TO PROTECT "THAT LITTLE GIRL."