THE PURPOSE

THEY TOOK FROM ME WHAT I DID NOT GIVE
AND IN RETURN THEY ALLOWED ME TO LIVE.

LIVE WITH QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, AND DOUBT
QUESTIONING WHAT MY LIFE WAS ABOUT.

CONCERNED ABOUT HOW I WILL CONTINUE ON
DOUBTING THAT I CAN LIVE LIFE WITHOUT MOURN.

QUESTIONING WHY MY LIFE WAS SPARED.
CONCERNED FOR MY CHILDREN, BUT MOSTLY SCARED.

DOUBTING THAT I CAN FIND MY PURPOSE.
FIGHTING THE FEELINGS OF BEING WORTHLESS.

REALIZING THE PURPOSE WAS ALWAYS THERE.
THAT THIS EXPERIENCE WAS MEANT TO SHARE.

TO COMFORT THOSE THAT FEEL LIKE ME.
TO LET THEM KNOW "THE PURPOSE" IS TO BE.

COPYRIGHT 2005

THE PURPOSE. THIS WAS THE VERY FIRST POEM I WROTE. TO THIS DAY, WHEN I READ IT, IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE. IT REPRESENTS THE MOMENT I REALIZED ALL THE PAIN THAT I HAD TUCKED AWAY. I WAS NEVER ONE TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THINGS, AND ALL THE WHILE, I THOUGHT I WAS JUST FINE. I DESCRIBED MY WAY OF DEALING WITH THINGS AS PUSHING IT TO THE BACK OF MY MIND, AND KEEPING IT PUSHING. UNTIL, ONE DAY I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD NO MORE ROOM IN THE BACK, AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST GOING TO PUSH ITSELF OUT (WHETHER I WANTED IT TO OR NOT.) MANY OF THE THINGS I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE NO WOMAN (OR MAN FOR THAT MATTER) SHOULD HAVE TO EXPERIENCE. I SPENT MANY OF NIGHTS WHEN I WAS ALONE ASKING WHY. THE ONE ANSWER THAT I WOULD GET THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF TO THE HIGHEST OF "PISSTIVITY" WAS "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, AND GOD WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE." HUH? NOT ONLY ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, THAT GOD WANTED THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME, BUT YOU'RE ALSO TRYING TO TELL ME THAT IT HAD A PURPOSE? I SPENT THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE WONDERING, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THESE SCARS. SCARS THAT ARE DEEP TO THE CORE. YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, BUT I CAN FEEL THEM. NORMALLY, WHEN ONE SEE'S SOMEONE WITH PHYSICAL SCARS THERE'S EMPATHY, SYMPATHY, CONCERN, OR SOMETHING. YOU CAN'T SEE THESE, BUT THEY'RE PERMANENT SCARS. NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID DAMN, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? ALTHOUGH I HAD NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT MY TRAUMA'S, DEEP INSIDE I THINK I REALLY WANTED THAT. I WANTED SOMEONE TO LOOK AT ME AND KNOW WHAT I HAD BEEN THROUGH, KNOW THE PAIN THAT I REALLY FELT BEHIND MY SMILE AND HARD EXTERIOR. THEN I REMEMBERED, WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME BECAUSE I WAS SCARED. MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, WRITE IT DOWN. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING SO SMALL, SAID SOO LONG AGO, WOULD BE THE ANSWER FOR ME TODAY. MY PURPOSE, THE PURPOSE IN ME IS TO SHARE WITH YOU WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I'M NOT ASHAMED, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED, AND I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE FEEDBACK. I HAVE FOUND MY PURPOSE AND IT'S TO SHARE WITH YOU, THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU TOO HAVE A PURPOSE.