T.R.U.S.T.

I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE THIS BLOG ABOUT A MONTH OR SO AGO by AN EXCELLENT WEBSITE FOR THE MINDS OF MEN AND WOMEN TO COME TOGETHER. THEY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE TRUTH, FROM BOTH A FEMALE AND MALE PERSPECTIVE. "BOTH SIDES OF THE TRUTH," http://bothsidesofthetruth.com HAD A TOPIC WHICH ASKED, "CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHOM YOU DON'T TRUST?" THIS IS A MAJOR STRUGGLE FOR ME ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS. MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT LOVE AND TRUST GO HAND IN HAND, WHEN IN ACTUALITY, THEY ARE TWO SEPARATE ENTITY'S. YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH ME, BUT AT LEAST CONSIDER MY REASONING.

LOVE IS AN INSTINCT. IT IS NOT TAUGHT, YOU ARE BORN WITH IT. FOR EXAMPLE, WE ARE BORN TO LOVE THOSE THAT MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO OUR EXISTENCE. THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE. HOW MANY OF US KNOW "THAT" CHILD THAT WAS BORN TO A DRUG ADDICTED MOTHER; A FATHER THAT HAS A FIXATION WITH MOLESTING CHILDREN (INCLUDING HIS OWN); AND THE ONES WHO ARE SIMPLY "JUST" NEGLECTED. THOSE ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH REASONS NOT TO T.R.U.S.T. SOMEONE...BUT, DOES IT EVER STOP THAT CHILD FROM LOVING THEM, OR LONGING THE LOVE FROM THEM (NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY GET)? YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT ANSWER. CERTAIN LOVES ARE UNCONDITIONAL, THOUGH THE CONNECTION OR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN TAINTED BY UNWELCOME BEHAVIORS....THE LOVE IS STILL THERE.

TRUST IS NOT AN INSTINCT, IT'S A LEARNED BEHAVIOR. YOU'RE NEVER TAUGHT "NOT TO LOVE" BUT YOU ARE TAUGHT HOW TO "TRUST." WHEN A CHILD IS BORN, THEIR SPIRIT IS PURE. THEY TRUST AND LOVE EVERYONE, UNTIL THEY ARE TAUGHT NOT TO TRUST. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS...YOU MAY BE KIDNAPPED. DON'T LET ANYONE TOUCH YOUR PRIVATE PARTS...THAT'S A BAD THING. DON'T EAT YOUR TRICK OR TREAT CANDY BEFORE I CHECK IT....SOMEONE MAY POISON YOU. COME IN BEFORE THE STREET LIGHTS COME ON....IT'S DANGEROUS AFTER DARK. AT A YOUNG AGE YOU ARE TAUGHT NOT TO "TRUST" WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THROUGHOUT ALL OF THESE LESSONS, OF WHAT TO FEAR AND WHO NOT TO TRUST, NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU WHO NOT TO LOVE (AT LEAST, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING FROM THE EVILEST PEOPLE I KNOW.) SO, WHERE DOES THE CONNECTION BETWEEN LOVE AND "TRUST" COME IN?

I THINK THAT WE NEED TO DEFINE "TRUST" BEFORE WE CONNECT IT TO LOVE. PEOPLE "TRUST" THAT THEIR LOVED ONES WILL ACT AND RE-ACT IN THE WAY THAT THEY WOULD LIKE THEM TO. THE FIRST THING YOU HEAR OUT OF SOMEONE'S MOUTH, WHO FEELS THAT THEY HAVE BEEN BETRAYED, IS "I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT TO YOU!" IN THESE SITUATIONS, THE IDEA OF T.R.U.S.T. HAS BEEN BASED ON THE UNREALISTIC BELIEF THAT OTHERS WILL HAVE THE SAME MINDSET, AS YOU, AT ALL TIMES. YOU EXPECT THEM TO KNOW HOW "YOU" FEEL, HOW TO ACT ON "YOUR" FEELINGS, AND HOW TO RE-ACT TO "YOUR" ACTIONS.....IN A MANNER THAT ACCOMMODATES "YOUR" NEEDS....AND WHEN THEY DON'T......WE DON'T T.R.U.S.T. THEM. BUT, IF YOU TRULY UNDERSTOOD THEIR MINDSET, THERE WOULD BE NO BETRAYAL. FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU ARE WITH A FRIEND AND GET INTO A PHYSICAL ALTERCATION WITH ANOTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE....YOUR FRIEND FLEES THE SCENE AND LEAVES YOU TO HOLD YOUR OWN. IMMEDIATELY, THE FRIENDSHIP IS TAINTED, AND YOU HAVE LOST "TRUST" IN THEM. BUT, IF YOU TOOK INTO CONSIDERATION THAT YOUR FRIEND HAD A VERY ABUSIVE AND TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD. YOU'D UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DEATHLY AFRAID OF VIOLENCE. WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MINDSET, ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WOULD DO, THERE'S NO LOVE LOST. INSTEAD OF BLAMING THE FRIEND FOR LEAVING YOU, YOU CAN JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU GOT YOUR ASS WHOOPED LOL.

NO TWO PEOPLE, NO MATTER HOW COMPATIBLE THEY ARE OR HOW "ALIKE" THEY SEEM, ARE TRULY IDENTICAL (NOT EVEN IDENTICAL TWINS!) THEIR STRUGGLES AND EXPERIENCES ARE DIFFERENT. YOU AND I CAN ENDURE THE SAME PAIN AND TALK ABOUT IT ALL DAY LONG TOGETHER...BUT, THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE'VE PROCESSED IT THE SAME, NOR WILL WE ALWAYS HANDLE IT THE SAME WAY. NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TALK AND HANG OUT TOGETHER, SHARE STORIES, OR MIX BODILY FLUIDS.....I CAN NEVER BE YOU....I CAN NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS....AND VICE VERSA....I CAN RELATE TO A LOT OF PEOPLE AND I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF SHIT. HOWEVER, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW I COPE WITH THE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT MY WAYS OF HANDLING THINGS AND SITUATIONS ARE UNIQUE. FOR ME, I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO PRESERVE ME.....BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. BUT, I LOVE MY LOVED ONES UNCONDITIONALLY! DO I EXPECT THEM TO UNDERSTAND MOST OF MY ACTIONS? NO.........BUT, I EXPECT THEM TO T.R.U.S.T MY DECISIONS. IT SOUNDS EASY, BUT IT'S A BIG REQUEST WHEN YOU CONSIDER MY DEFINITION OF T.R.U.S.T. BEFORE I ELABORATE ON MY INTERPRETATION OF IT, FIRST TAKE A MOMENT TO DETERMINE YOUR DEFINITION. WHEN YOU SAY YOU TRUST SOMEONE....HOW DO YOU TRUST THEM? WHY DO YOU TRUST THEM? IS IT TRUST, OR IS IT REALLY A SET OF EXPECTATIONS?

LOL I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR ANSWERS, SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON THIS POST!

ALL THE TIME YOU HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "I TRUST YOU WITH MY LIFE!" WOW....FOR REAL? THE ONLY TRUST I GIVE FOR MY LIFE IS TO GOD. ANYONE ELSE, IS SIMPLY A HUMAN BEING, JUST AS I AM. HOW CAN I EXPECT TO TRUST YOU WITH MY LIFE? YOU HAVE A FAMILY AND KIDS WHO NEED YOU, JUST AS I DO, BUT I EXPECT FOR YOU TO RISK JAIL TIME FOR ME? YOU HAVE SOO MANY THINGS IN LIFE TO LIVE FOR, BUT I EXPECT YOU TO TAKE A BULLET FOR ME? I HAVE HAD SOO MANY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS AND EXPERIENCES IN MY LIFE THAT REALLY SHOULD HAVE COMPLETELY ROBBED ME OF THE LITTLE SANITY (I HAVE LEFT) TO SIT AND WRITE THIS....AND YOU EXPECT ME TO ADJUST MY MINDSET (THAT KEEPS ME SANE) FOR YOU? THESE AREN'T EXAMPLES OF TRUST....THESE ARE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!

NOW I WILL GIVE YOU MY DEFINITION OF T.R.U.S.T......IN MY MIND, THE DEFINITION IS, "TRULY & RESPECTFULLY UNDERSTANDING SOMEONE'S THOUGHTS" (T.R.U.S.T.) THAT'S "TRUST"......TO TAKE ALL OF THE INFORMATION THAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU, PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES, AND TRULY UNDERSTAND EVERY THOUGHT, ACTION, AND REACTION, THAT I WILL HAVE IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION.....SOLELY BASED UPON UNDERSTANDING MY THOUGHT PROCESS. "TRUST" CAN NOT BE BROKEN IF YOU UNDERSTAND ME, AND WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.....EVERY STATEMENT I STATE, AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE...IF YOU HONESTLY T.R.U.S.T. ME, THEN MY THOUGHT PROCESS SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD. ALTHOUGH, YOU MAY NOT AGREE WITH THE WAY THAT I HANDLE THINGS, YOU CAN RESPECT MY WAY OF DOING THINGS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF MY THOUGHT PROCESS. IS IT REALISTIC FOR ONE TO EXPECT THAT? NOT REALLY...BECAUSE, WHAT DO WE SAY, AS SOON AS SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING WE DON'T UNDERSTAND...."WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" LOL YOU'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE EVERYONE IS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL. OUR MINDS OPERATE BASED ON OUR LIFE EXPERIENCES....THAT IS WHY THERE'S A DIFFERENCE IN INTELLIGENCE. ONE CAN HAVE BOOK SMARTS, ANOTHER CAN HAVE STREET SMARTS, AND SOME ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO POSSESS THEM BOTH. ALL 3 OF THESE INDIVIDUALS CAN CO-EXIST, THEY WILL NEVER TRULY RELATE....BUT THEY CAN ALWAYS LOVE AND RESPECT ONE ANOTHER FOR WHO THEY ARE. IF I KNOW YOU, AND I KNOW YOU COULD PROBABLY NEVER WALK IN MY SHOES, WITHOUT BREAKING A HEEL, SHOULD I STOP LOVING YOU FOR NOT HAVING MY SHOE SIZE?

I PERSONALLY DON'T THINK LOVE AND T.R.U.S.T. GO HAND IN HAND. THEY ARE 2 SEPARATE ENTITY'S. SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION....DO I T.R.U.S.T. (TRULY & RESPECTFULLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONES THOUGHTS?) MY ANSWER IS HELL TO THE NAW! I DON'T T.R.U.S.T. MY DAMN SELF.....BUT I'VE BEEN BLESSED TO UNDERSTAND LIFE AND IT'S STRUGGLES...SO YOU CAN BEST BELIEVE THAT IF I LOVE YOU, ALTHOUGH I DON'T "TRUST" YOU, I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY....THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT!

(PICTURE ABSTRACTED FROM http://elenaibanez.files.wordpress.com)

My Last Leg

You only have two legs to stand on, and when one leg becomes weak you find a way to make it to where you need to go. For as long as you can stand the pain, you will limp. When the pain gets stronger you rely on crutches. You may not have an actual crutch, but as long as you can hold on to a wall, take a break between journeys, or hop through it, you will do just that as long as you can. At some point, you become weaker. You are tired of limping, taking breaks, and hopping. You finally realize that you need crutches. Crutches give you the idea that you can manage, despite your disability to function normally. You rely on them and all your weight is cast upon them........"The Crutches." You think reality is that you really can't walk a straight line on your own. In your mind reality is that you are on your last leg.....that you don't trust to hold you up.
This is the same for people, with the struggles of life, that have just had enough. You have been broken, traumatized, betrayed, and out done by pain. You try to make it on your own, until you begin to limp your way through struggles. You hold on to walls and hop your way through troubles until you are able to take a break......and find enough strength and courage to start your journey over again. But, every time you re-start your journey, the same pain is there and it's stronger. The strength you had before is even weaker, and the crutches that you developed in order to cope......are not only breaking the crutches, they are breaking you down completely. So what do you do? Do you continue to develop ways to pacify your inabilities? When one crutch breaks down in life, you go on a mission for a stronger crutch?
Has it ever dawned on you that you have a last leg. It's stronger than any crutch you want to use to walk the way you would like to walk! When life gets hard and you feel you have no ground to stand on, you have one last leg....That's you! It's not love, it's not alcohol, it's not drugs, it's not outside entities or gratification from anyone but yourself. The crutch that you needed to pacify your past is not strong enough to endure the weight of your present or your future.....unless you utilize the strength of YOU.
Me personally...I'm tired of crutches...the traumas and experiences in my life will not go away...no matter how I pacify them. I'm telling you my friends, that there is nothing you can do....there's nothing that "WE" can do to get stronger.....there's no crutch to make it better or magically hide the pain...The strength has to come from within.

"WE" just have to be strong enough to say I can stand on "MY LAST LEG."



Photo from (http://fancythinking.wordpress.com)

CHANGE IS GONNA COME

SOMEWHERE, ONE DAY, I READ A PASSAGE SENT SPECIFICALLY TO ME THAT SAID "GOD GIVES TO THOSE ACCORDING TO WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU WANT THE THINGS AROUND YOU TO CHANGE, YOU MUST FIRST CHANGE YOURSELF." IT HIT ME HARD...IT STRUCK A NERVE...IT PISSED ME OFF....IT HURT MY FEELINGS...IT SHATTERED MY VIEW OF WHO I AM...BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT NEVER LEFT MY MIND.
ALTHOUGH I KNOW I'M A GOOD PERSON, A DAMN GOOD WOMAN, A VERY GOOD MOTHER, AND A BEING RARE TO FIND, MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN PLAGUED BY NEGATIVITY. NEGATIVE PEOPLE, NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES, NEGATIVE CIRCUMSTANCES, NEGATIVE SURROUNDINGS, AND NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. BECAUSE OF MY LIFE'S JOURNEY, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I TRAINED MYSELF TO BE NEGATIVE. MY PESSIMISTIC MIND IS TRAINED TO ALWAYS EXPECT THE WORSE AND FOR SOME SICK REASON, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT, I WON'T BE LET DOWN IF IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. NEEDLESS TO SAY I CONTINUOUSLY FEEL LET DOWN. I TIMELESSLY WONDER WHY I DON'T HAVE PEACE OF MIND, WHY I CAN'T SLEEP, WHY I'M TORTURED BY NEGATIVE SITUATIONS, AND WHY I'VE EMBRACED NEGATIVE PEOPLE.
AS I LAY HERE TODAY, WITH THIS BRIGHT SUNNY SKY, FULL OF SORROW AND DARKNESS WITH UNWILLINGNESS TO EVEN GET OUT OF BED, I REALIZE THE CHANGE I'M SEEKING FOR LIES WITHIN ME. I HAVE ENDURED THE IMPOSSIBLE TIME AND AGAIN AND HAVEN'T HAD THE COMMON SENSE TO USE THAT SAME STRENGTH I USED TO GET THROUGH THOSE TIMES TO FIGHT THE BATTLE WITHIN ME. I DESERVE MORE THAN NEGATIVE PEOPLE, NEGATIVE CIRCUMSTANCES, NEGATIVE SITUATIONS, AND NEGATIVE SURROUNDINGS. YET, MY DEMEANOR SENDS OUT A CALLING CARD FOR ALL THINGS NEGATIVE TO COME MY WAY.
ALL THOSE SAYINGS AND INNUENDO'S....BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR...ETC. FINALLY MAKE SENSE. I CAN'T AND WON'T FIND PEACE OF MIND WITHIN OTHER PEOPLE, SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, MATERIAL THINGS, OR FINANCIAL SATISFACTION. IT'S TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE WITHIN ME.
WHAT SENSE DOES IT MAKE TO BE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES THAT THE WORLD HAS TO SEE IF YOU CONTINUE TO SLITHER LIKE A CATERPILLAR AND NEVER FIND THE COURAGE TO SPREAD YOUR WINGS? I KNOW MY WORTH AND I KNOW MY PURPOSE. WITH THAT BEING SAID, INSTEAD OF SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR OTHERS TO REALIZE IT, IT'S TIME I SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU. THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN AND WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW....IS "CHANGE IS GONNA COME."

WHAT DON'T KILL YOU....

TODAY I HAD, I GUESS WHAT SOME WOULD CALL, A REVELATION. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SPIRITUAL I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO REFLECT ON THE GOSPEL HYMN "GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING" AS YOU READ ALONG. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I AM VERY SPIRITUAL. MY FAMILY HAD A CHURCH WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND I HAVE NEVER LOST CONTACT WITH MY GOD. I PRAY REGULARLY AND THAT'S WHY "NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER." EVERYTHING THAT I EXPERIENCE IS A DAILY REMINDER OF "THE PURPOSE IN ME." I KNEW IF I DIDN'T WRITE ABOUT THIS, I WOULD FORGET IT LATER. I WILL PUT IT IN DETAIL IN MY BOOK, BUT HERE IS A BRIEF SYNOPSIS.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH ONE OF THE HARDEST EXPERIENCES THAT I'VE EVER HAD. I SAY ONE OF THE HARDEST EXPERIENCES BECAUSE THE OTHERS I DID NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER, THIS ONE I ALLOWED TO HAPPEN AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT. NEEDLESS TO SAY (BECAUSE I'M NOT REALLY READY TO TALK ABOUT IT I'LL JUST SAY) THAT IT'S BLOWN UP IN MY FACE. I'VE PRAYED ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND SOME HOW JUST NEVER RECEIVED THE RESPONSE THAT "I WANTED." HOWEVER, I CONTINUED TO GET THE SIGNS THAT I NEEDED. ANYWAY, WHILE TRYING TO PUT THIS SITUATION IN PERSPECTIVE FOR MYSELF, SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY THAT ALL I COULD DO WAS LAUGH AT. IT WASN'T REALLY FUNNY, BUT AGAIN REFLECT ON THAT HYMN. I'M SITTING IN A CAR DISCUSSING THE SITUATION AT HAND. AN ELDERLY WOMAN PULLS UP AND BLOCKS THE CAR OFF. WE WEREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, BUT IF WE WANTED TO WE COULDN'T. I PROMISE YOU THAT I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. THE WOMAN HAD GOSPEL MUSIC BLASTING OUT OF HER CAR, SO LOUD THAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS. TAMBOURINE IN HAND....AND SHE IS GOING TO TOWN....LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAR....SINGING THE LYRICS. I LAUGHED BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK (ALTHOUGH I KNOW FOR SURE THE SONG THAT THE WOMAN WAS PLAYING WAS NOT "GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING) WAS GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. HOW IRONIC IS THAT? I'VE SEEN A LOT OF CRAZY PEOPLE AND THINGS IN MY LIFE. FOR SOME REASON, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I DIDN'T PERCEIVE IT AS ANYTHING CRAZY. I PERCEIVED IT AS A MESSAGE THAT WAS SPECIFICALLY FOR ME. YOU SEE, OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH IN MY LIFE, THIS WAS THE HARDEST TO DEAL WITH FOR ME. IT WAS THE HARDEST TO ACCEPT...IT GAVE ME A REFLECTION OF ME AND THE PERCEPTION THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING OF MYSELF. WHEN I LEFT THAT SPOT, ALL OF MY PAIN WAS LIFTED AND I SUDDENLY BECAME STRONGER. I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT I'D BEEN IN A VERY DARK PLACE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. NO MATTER HOW I APPEARED ON THE OUTSIDE, MY INSIDE WAS DARK AND BROKEN AND LONELY. I JUST WANT TO SAY OUT LOUD THAT I RECEIVED THAT MESSAGE. GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. I WAS BREAKING...I WAS BREAKING DOWN...AND NOW I'M REMINDED THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE AND OVERCOME IT ON MY OWN. I WAS AT THE POINT WHERE I THOUGHT I HAD NO MORE STRENGTH TO FIGHT ANOTHER BATTLE. AS CRAZY AS THIS SOUNDS, THAT TAMBOURINE, THAT WOMAN, THAT HYMN (NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS)....OPENED MY EYES. EVERY SINCE THAT MOMENT I'VE SAID TO MYSELF...YOU'RE OK....YOU WILL BE OK....YOU'VE SURVIVED WORSE....AND "WHAT DON'T KILL YOU WILL ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER."

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...and I just want to take a moment to give thanks to you all...especially the ones that were put here solely for the reason of reminding me that I have purpose.

I THINK TONIGHT WILL BE MY FIRST REAL NIGHT TO SLEEP AT PEACE.

GOOD NIGHT

CHEAT TO WIN AND LOSE

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WOULD NORMALLY BLOG ABOUT AND IS WAY OFF TOPIC FOR THE BOOK I'M WRITING. BUT, ONCE AGAIN, LIFE EXPERIENCES PLAY A PART IN WHERE MY MIND CHOOSES TO ROME. THAT'S WHAT THE BLOG SITE IS FOR RIGHT? I CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT ;) ANYWAY I'M SURE I WILL WRITE PLENTY OF BOOKS AND THIS SUBJECT IS LIABLE TO END UP IN ONE OF THEM. THIS TOPIC HAS BEEN ON MY MIND A LOT LATELY. SO I DECIDED TO BLOG ABOUT IT. I HOPE TO RECEIVE LOTS OF FEEDBACK BECAUSE I AM REALLY ANXIOUS TO SEE THE RESPONSES.

YEARS AGO I WAS TALKING TO AN ASSOCIATE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. SHE WAS IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP (WHATEVER THAT IS.) LET'S STOP PLAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, JUST LIKE I KNOW. HE WAS MARRIED, HAD A "BABY MOMMA," OR A BITCH. IT IS WHAT IT IS. SHE WAS SPRUNG, WASN'T LETTING GO, AND WANTED TO GET IN WHERE SHE COULD FIT IN (EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BITTY SPACE OF HIS WORLD.) ONE DAY, SHE WAS EXPLAINING HER POSITION TO ME AND THE MORE I LISTENED, THE MORE PATHETIC IT SOUNDED. SHE HAD PLAYED BOTH PARTS FOR HIM "WIFEY" AT ONE TIME AND "SIDELINE" AT OTHERS...WHENEVER HE WOULD GO BACK TO "HER" (WIFEY THAT IS.) SHE DESCRIBED THE UPS AND DOWNS AND THE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS THAT CAME ALONG WITH EACH POSITION. EVENTUALLY, SHE GAVE ME HER SYNOPSIS OF THE SITUATION: "I'D RATHER BE THE ONE HIS CHEATING WITH, THAN THE ONE HE'S CHEATING ON CAUSE I'M WINNING." IMMEDIATELY I THOUGHT WTF???????

NOW AT THIS TIME I WAS HAPPILY SINGLE AND COULD REALLY GIVE LESS THAN A DAMN ABOUT A DUDE, HIS WIFE, HIS BABY MOMMA, OR THE SIDELINE HOE. BUT, BOTH POSITIONS APPEARED DESPERATE AND RIDICULOUS TO ME. CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH, EITHER WAY IT'S CHEATING. NOW, MIND YOU AT THIS TIME I'D NEVER BEEN IN LOVE SO I HAD NO CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE THINKING. I REMEMBER HER SAYING,

"I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE LAYING IN BED AT NIGHT WONDERING WHEN MY MAN IS COMING HOME AND WHO HE IS WITH. THAT BROAD KNOWS ABOUT ME AND I KNOW ABOUT HER. WE KICK IT, HE TAKES HIS ASS HOME, AND I SLEEP COMFORTABLY. I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF HIM STAYING THE NIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE HE IS GOING WHEN HE LEAVES BECAUSE HE IS NOT MINE. THAT'S HER PROBLEM."

CHEATED WITH....

EVEN WHILE I'M TYPING THIS, I'M THINKING, WOW!!!! FOR REAL??????? SHE WAS SERIOUS AS HELL AND FOUND REASON IN EVERYTHING SHE SAID. SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE CHEATED WITH HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO KICK IT BOO. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU LAY UP ALL NIGHT THINKING ABOUT WHILE YOU KNOW HE'S AT "HOME" WITH "HER." YOU REPEATED YOUR SO CALLED PERSPECTIVE TO YOUR FRIENDS, WITH THE HOPES THAT YOU WILL START BELIEVING THAT BULLSHIT YOURSELF. SEE NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE IN A LONG TERM, ON AND OFF, RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT FEELINGS. YOU HAVE TO BE, WHAT YOU THINK IS, IN LOVE. IT'S NOT WHORISH TENDENCIES BECAUSE IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION, THIS DUDE WAS BROKE. SO, IT COULDN'T JUST BE THE CHARACTER OF A HOE. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT YOUR LEFT FEELING USED AND EMPTY, IN A USED BED LAYING NEXT TO AN EMPTY SPACE, AND WAKING UP WITH AN EMPTY NIGHTSTAND. UNLIKE MOTEL 6, THE DUDE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL DON'T GET IT. YOU'RE WORTH NOTHING MORE TO HIM THAN THE WET SPOT HE LEFT YOU LAYING IN AND THE CONDOM WRAPPER ON YOUR FLOOR (PLEASE TELL ME YOUR USING CONDOMS!)

AS YOU LAY THERE CUDDLING WITH A PILLOW AND SOAKING IT WITH TEARS THAT DERIVE FROM THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT, HE'S JUST MAKING IT HOME TO SNEAK IN BED NEXT TO "HER." BUT, SHE'S NOT SLEEP, AT LEAST NOT DEEP. SHE CAN'T SLEEP 'TIL SHE KNOWS HE'S SAFELY HOME. HER WOMEN'S INTUITION HAUNTS HER, SO SHE CAN'T FIND COMFORT UNTIL SHE HEARS HIS KEYS IN THE DOOR. AS SHE EXHALES AND CLOSES HER EYES TO FINALLY REST, SHE THINKS TO HERSELF, "THAT'S RIGHT! I MIGHT BE GETTING CHEATED ON BUT HE BRINGS HIS ASS HOME EVERY NIGHT! SO I'M WINNING!" WTF????

(IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN THIS PERSPECTIVE, I'LL USE MONICA. THIS POPULAR R&B SINGER HAS A SONG TITLED "SIDELINE HO." SHE ADDRESSES THE BROADS WHO CHOOSE TO BE CHEATED WITH, FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF FEMALES WHO ARE CHEATED ON. I MUST SAY IT'S A COLD PIECE OF WORK. IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, HIT UP YOUTUBE AFTER READING THIS POST.)

CHEATED ON......

IN A NUTSHELL, WHAT SHE SAYS, IS IF YOU'RE CHEATED WITH, YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A SIDELINE HOE (IN HER EYES AND HIS!) WHEN HE LEAVES YOU......OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.....HE'S WITH HER. WHEN YOU CALL HIM HE WON'T ANSWER AND YOU BETTER BE QUIET, IF SHE CALLS HIM, WHEN HE'S WITH YOU......IMPORTANT DAYS YOU CAN'T FIND HIM BECAUSE THEY HAD SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.....WHEN YOU NEED HIM HE'S NOT THERE BECAUSE HER NEEDS COME FIRST....IF HE SPENDS ON YOU AT ALL, IT WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE HE SPENDS HIS ENDS TAKING CARE OF HOME, AND THAT'S WHERE SHE IS....MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SCRAMBLE THOSE EGGS, PULL DOWN THAT ONE PLATE, PULL THAT ONE FORK OUT THE DRAWER, SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE TO LOOK ACROSS AND SEE AN EMPTY CHAIR......SHE'S FEEDING HER MAN BREAKFAST AT THE HOME THEY SHARE. LIKE THE WORDS IN THE CHORUS OF THE SONG...."IF YOU DON'T MAKE HIS BREAKFAST YOUR A SIDELINE HO!"

SEE IN HER MIND, SHE KNOWS THAT YOU EXIST, BUT SHE'S A WOMAN...AND HE NEEDS YOU TO DO HOODRAT SHIT FOR HIM, THAT SHE TOO WILL BENEFIT FROM. YOU HANG WITH HIM IN THE HOOD WITH THE SCANDALOUS ONES HE WOULDN'T DARE LET BE AROUND HIS WOMAN. YOU CHILL WITH HIM AND THE HOMIES, COMFY WITH A DIME SACK, WATCHING HIS BACK, WHILE HE MAKES HIS ENDS TO BUY HER COACH. SHE'S NOT INTIMIDATED BY YOU BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU COULD NEVER BE HER. HE'LL NEVER TREAT YOU THE WAY HE TREATS HER BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR WORTH. SHE HOLDS ON TIGHT, AND BE THE WOMAN HE NEEDS, WHILE YOU PRAY FOR HER TO LET GO. SHE STAYS ON HER A-GAME AND STAYS ON POINT BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO LOSE HER MAN TO A "SIDELINE HOE."

LOOKING AT THESE TWO BROADS YOU HAVE TO WONDER....WHO IS THIS DUDE? HE'S SOMEONE WHO WAS TRUTHFUL WITH BOTH OF THEM FROM JUMP......"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP." HE WAS ENJOYING HIS LIFE, SINGLE, AND STROKING HIS EGO WITH ANY AND EVERY BROAD THAT WOULD PUT UP WITH HIM. DIDN'T CATCH FEELINGS (SO HE THOUGHT) AND WARNED EVERY ONE OF THEM NOT TO CATCH ANY EITHER....... AND IN HIS MIND.....HE WAS WINNING.

CHEATER.....

HE IS LIVING HIS LIFE STRICTLY FOR SELF GRATIFICATION.....HE IS SELFISH! THEN, ALONG COMES "WIFEY" WHAT THE STREETS CALL THE "BOTTOM BITCH" WHO IS REALLY ON TOP. SHE'S VERSATILE SHE GREW UP IN THE HOOD, HAS JUST ENOUGH STREET SMARTS, BALANCED BY BOOK SMARTS, AND FAR FROM A HOODRAT... SHE EARNED HER POSITION, SHE EARNED HIS TRUST, HIS SECRETS, HIS TIME, HIS MONEY, HIS LOVE....HE BELONGS TO HER AND SHE BELONGS TO HIM AND EVERYONE WHO MATTERS KNOWS...... SHE'S EDUCATED, PRETTY, DOESN'T HANG IN THE STREETS TOO MUCH, CAN PULL HIM OUT OF ANY AND EVERYTHING HE GETS INTO, DOESN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS BECAUSE SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO NOT BE LINKED TO THE ANSWERS, AND NO, IS NOT IN HER VOCABULARY WHEN IT COMES TO PLEASING HER MAN. SHE'S WHAT HE NEEDS....BUT NOT NECESSARILY WHAT HE WANTS.

SEE HE'S NOT SURE OF HIS WORTH, AND BECAUSE OF HIS PAST, HE'S NOT CONFIDENT THAT HE DESERVES HER (WIFEY.) THESE INSECURITIES MAKE HIM WANT HER (THE SIDELINE HO.) HE FEELS HE NEEDS HER AS AN ESCAPE...A FALL BACK PLAN... HE CAN GET MAD AT WIFEY, LEAVE TO COOL OFF, AND GO TAKE IT OUT ON THE ONE HE'S CHEATING WITH. SHE'S GOING TO SETTLE FOR WHATEVER HE HAS LEFT TO GIVE, AND ACCEPT HIS DISRESPECTFUL MANNER OF GIVING IT. SHE IS HIS ENTERTAINMENT. SHE DOESN'T ASK WHERE HE'S BEEN BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT SHE IS NOT WHERE HE'S GOING... AND SHE ACCEPTS THAT. SHE BECOMES HIS FLUNKY AND WHEN HE FAILS AT HOME HE CAN GO TO HER AND FEEL HE'S WINNING. SHE MAKES THEIR TIME FUN AND EXCITING BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHARE THE STRESSES OF LIFE. BUT, HE DOESN'T NEED HER BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT'S NO FUN IF THE HOMIES CAN'T HAVE NONE. HE DOESN'T TRUST HER, HE DOESN'T RESPECT HER, AND FRANKLY HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT SHE DOES WHEN SHE'S AWAY FROM HIM......BECAUSE HE'S GOT "HER" (WIFEY.)

WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE CHEATED ON OR CHEATED WITH CONCEPT IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME BECAUSE I HADN'T LOVED LIKE THAT. I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYBODY WHO I WORRIED ABOUT WHERE THEY WERE OR WHO THEY WERE WITH. I WAS THAT CONFIDENT IN ME. BUT, THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES I HAVE LEARNED THAT WHAT WE CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH AND ACCEPT IS A REFLECTION OF OUR SELF WORTH. IF YOU'RE A WOMAN WITH SOME LEVEL OF STREET SMARTS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOU'VE PLAYED ONE OR ALL OF THESE ROLES. AT ONE POINT IN TIME YOU WERE A CHEATER, CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY I CHOSE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP. TRUST ME, I MAKE BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, AND PROVIDE A LATE NIGHT SNACK ;). BUT, I HAVE MY INTUITIONS AS WELL. I HAVEN'T REACTED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. IF MY INTUITIONS ARE CORRECT, I'M THE ONE HE 'CHEATED ON.' I DON'T HAVE CONFIRMATION SO I HAVEN'T CAUGHT A CASE FOR EXERCISING THE VERSATILE SIDE OF ME WITH ANYONE HE'S "CHEATED WITH." IF I CONTINUE TO TORTURE MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT COME WITH WOMEN'S INTUITION I'M PLAYING MYSELF AND I BECOME "THE CHEATER." CHEATING MYSELF OUT OF BEING HAPPY WITH SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ME.

CHEATED ON, CHEATED WITH, OR CHEATING. IT'S ALL REMNANTS OF YOUR PAST. SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT REDUCED YOUR SELF WORTH. HAD IT NOT, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE TO SLEEP GOOD AT NIGHT AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. YOU DESERVE TO BE COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF UNTIL THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE WITH COMES ALONG. YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANY AMOUNT OF MEN OR WOMEN COULD LOVE YOU. WHEN YOU ARE THAT POINT IN THE GAME.....YOU ARE WINNING.

THE OBJECT OF CHEATING IS TO WIN. IF YOU ARE THE CHEATER, CHEATED ON, OR CHEATED WITH, YOUR LOSING YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS. ASK YOURSELF IF IT'S WORTH IT TO "CHEAT TO WIN.....AND LOSE?"

NOT YOUR AVERAGE

I HAVE SURVIVED A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE CHOSEN, NOT TO BE THE VICTIM, BUT TO CLAIM THE VICTORIES. THIS STATEMENT SOUNDS SOO STRONG TO ME. STRONG, LIKE EVERYONE CLAIMS I AM. JUST TO BE ABLE TO SAY THOSE WORDS, "I AM NOT A VICTIM. I AM A SURVIVOR," I FEEL VICTORIOUS.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? MY HEART IS HEAVY AS IF SOMEONE STOLE IT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRICK. I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT, IN MY CHEST, WHEN I BREATH. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE MY MIND RACES WITH THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS THAT HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP, OCCUPY MY DAYS, AND PARALYZE MY PROGRESSION. OFTEN TIMES, I APPEAR TO BE PAYING ATTENTION, WHEN I'M REALLY FIGHTING OFF THE PRESENCE OF TEARS THAT WILL REVEAL MY PAIN. BUT, OH NO, DON'T YOU DARE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THINKING I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF! MY PAIN DOES NOT DERIVE FROM SELF PITY. MY PAIN IS COMPOSED OF REMNANTS OF.......BETRAYAL!

BETRAYAL! WHAT IS IT? IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FOR THE NEEDS OF ANOTHER OR IS IT TRULY JUST A BLATANT DISREGARD? IS IT SELFISHNESS OR IGNORANCE? IS IT SCANDALOUS CONNIVING OR TRULY JUST THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN PLAGUED, HIS/HER SELF, BY PAIN?

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY, "I LOVE YOU! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU." DID THIS STATEMENT CONFUSE YOU? NOT ME. IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STATEMENT, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT WILL LOVE HARDER THAN THE "AVERAGE" CAN LOVE. THESE PEOPLE REQUIRE MORE LOVE THAN THE "AVERAGE" IS CAPABLE OF GIVING. WHEN I SAY LOVE, I'M NOT JUST REFERRING TO ROMANTIC LOVE. I MEAN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ANYTHING (A DOG, A BROTHER, A BEST FRIEND, A MAN/WOMAN...ANYTHING OR ANYONE.)

AS THE SAYING GOES, "YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING TO GET THROUGH SOMETHING." THE MAKE UP OF INDIVIDUAL'S CHARACTERS ARE MOSTLY DEVELOPED BY THE LESSONS THEY'VE LEARNED THROUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES. IF YOU EMBRACE THESE EXPERIENCES, YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE! YOU CAN BE THE MOST EDUCATED PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND NOT KNOW SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH SHIT! THESE LESSONS, IF YOU LEARN BY THEM, WILL ALLOW YOU TO RELATE TO THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY THAN "AVERAGE" PEOPLE. YOU WILL EMBRACE THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERFECT JOE WOULD SHY AWAY FROM. YOU WILL BE UNDERSTANDING TO THINGS, WHETHER YOU AGREE OR NOT, THAT THE "AVERAGE" PERSON WOULD BE DISCOMBOBULATED BY.

A THERAPIST ONCE TOLD ME THAT I DIAGNOSE AND PROVIDE MYSELF WITH THERAPY, AND HE FEELS HE IS ONLY THERE TO LISTEN. MAYBE THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS END UP FEELING BETRAYED. I KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. BUT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I DON'T! I UNDERSTAND YOU, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ACTIONS, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MAKE THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, I'VE EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF OR I'VE WITNESSED IT. DESPITE IT ALL, IF I ALLOW YOU IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU, AND ALL THAT COMES WITH IT, BECAUSE I'M NOT "AVERAGE" AND I UNDERSTAND YOU!

HERE IS WHERE THE BETRAYAL COMES IN.....YOU SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

BETRAYAL!

IS IT A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I DESIRE FROM YOU OR IS IT REALLY ABOUT SELF GRATIFICATION? ARE YOU SOO SELFISH, THAT YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE ME WHAT I GIVE TO YOU, OR DO YOU TRULY JUST NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE? ARE YOU A SCANDALOUS CONNIVING ASS MOTHERFUCKER OR ARE YOU PLAGUED WITH PAIN THAT HAS THE FEAR OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING YOU.....JUST LIKE ME?

I'M SURE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT FEEL THAT I'VE BETRAYED THEM, IN SOME WAY, FORM, OR FASHION. JUST KNOW THAT I'M NOT SELFISH, I'M NOT IGNORANT, I'M NOT SCANDALOUS, OR CONNIVING (BY ANY MEANS.) I'M VICTORIOUS BECAUSE I LOVED YOU DESPITE MY FEARS OF LOVE AND BETRAYAL HAUNTING ME. MOST IMPORTANTLY, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR "AVERAGE!"

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

WHO IS GOING TO LOVE ME?

I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ME IN A MINUTE. I APOLOGIZE, I KNOW I PROMISED TO STAY CONSISTENT, BUT MY MIND DECIDED NOT TO JOIN IN ON THIS PROMISE.

YOU SEE, ALL OF THE POSTS THAT I ATTEMPT TO COMPLETE LATELY ARE ABOUT LOVE. I HAVE TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS, SOO FAST, AS I SAY THE WORD "LOVE." OOH I WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS...I MEAN WHAT IT'S TRULY LIKE. I'M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT HOW TO GIVE IT, BUT I WANT SOO BAD TO RECEIVE IT. I MEAN LOVE! LIKE, I LOVE MY DOG, BUT HE'S BEEN ON THE PATIO FOR TWO DAYS, AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH ASIAN, CAMBODIAN, CHINESE, HOOD RESTAURANT WANTS TO BUY SOME WHITE FLUFFY MEAT. HE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES SOO BAD RIGHT NOW. BUT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I'M TALKING ABOUT "LOVE" PERIOD. NOT THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR FAVORITE THINGS, BUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. LOVE THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN IN WORDS. I KNOW IT EXISTS BECAUSE, I'M CAPABLE OF GIVING IT, THAT'S THE VERY REASON WHY I'M AFRAID OF IT.

FOR ME LOVE IS PRECIOUS AND PURE. IT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE TAINTED OR TAKEN AWAY. I'VE EXPERIENCED IT WITH MY CHILDREN. THEY LOVE ME!!! MAN DO THEY LOVE ME! YOU CAN SEE IT ON THEIR FACE. YOU CAN SEE IT IN THEIR EYES. YOU CAN HEAR IT IN THEIR VOICES. I CAN FEEL IT IN THEIR TOUCH THAT THEY LOVE ME....GENUINELY, INNOCENTLY, BY NATURE, BY HABIT, BY CHOICE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY....EFFORTLESSLY, IT COMES NATURALLY FOR THEM....WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT. THEY LOVE ME ON MY GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS. THEY LOVE ME WHEN I'M CUTE AS FUCK AND WHEN I'M UGLY AS HELL (IN SOMEBODY'S BLIND EYES LOL), THEY LOVE ME!!!!!!! WITH ALL THE LOVE THEY GIVE ME, AND I GIVE TO THEM 10 FOLD, I'M SCARED TO LOVE.

I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED LOVE LIKE THAT FROM ANYONE BUT MY KIDS. YEAH I GOT MY MY PARTICULAR "LOVED ONES" THAT WILL BE HERE FOR ME 'TIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF, AND WILL MOST DEFINITELY HURT YOU IF YOU HURT ME. BUT THAT'S NOT THE SAME AS THE LOVE OF A MAN, AND THE LOVE OF TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP. THAT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE. DO RELATIONSHIPS REALLY HAVE THE MUTUAL KIND OF LOVE THAT I WANT SOO BAD? WHEN I CRY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, WHEN I'M SAD I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY, WHEN I'M HORNY....WELL OK! :0 LOL

I KNEW AS A LITTLE GIRL, THAT I HAD ALL THIS LOVE AND NO ONE TO GIVE IT TO...AT LEAST NO ONE THAT WOULD GIVE IT BACK. SO I CREATED A SHIELD. I LET PEOPLE IN AND I LOVED THEM. THE SAME WAY I LOVE MY DOG, WHO HAS BEEN ON THE PATIO FOR TWO DAYS. I LOVED THEM JUST ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO DETACH MYSELF WHEN NECESSARY. NOW, AS I'M DEALING WITH AND EMBRACING WHO I AM, I HAVE BECOME EAGER TO LOVE AND EAGER TO RECEIVE LOVE. NOT JUST "OH I LOVE HER"...BUT, "DAMN!!!!! I LOVE HER!!!!!'

I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND OF MINE THE OTHER DAY (NOT A FRIEND, A SISTER) AND SHE SAID "I'VE BEEN KNOWING YOU FOR OVER 20 YEARS AND I'VE NEVER MET ANYBODY LIKE YOU." I'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE AND IT WAS TOO THE POINT THAT I WAS BECOMING OFFENDED AND ANNOYED WITH THIS STATEMENT. SHE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN. SHE SAID "YOU DON'T LET VERY MANY PEOPLE IN TO YOUR HEART. BUT, WHEN YOU DO, YOU LOVE THEM AND YOU LOVE THEM HARD. " SHE SAID, " YOU CAN CURSE THEM OUT! AND THE MORE YOU CURSE AT THEM, THE MORE YOU LOVE THEM!" I KNOW THAT SOUNDS STUPID TO YOU, BUT FOR ME, I UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. MY LOVE, THOUGH RARELY GIVEN, IS GENUINE, IT'S REAL, IT'S IRREPLACEABLE, AND IT'S RARE TO FIND. THAT'S WHY I'M AFRAID TO GIVE IT.

LOVE TAKES ALL OF MY STRENGTH TO GIVE. WHEN I LOVE, THAT PERSON'S NEEDS BECOME MY NEEDS, THEIR HAPPINESS BEGINS TO LIE IN MY HANDS, THEIR PAIN BECOMES MY PAIN, AND THEIR STRUGGLES BECOME ALL MINE. THAT'S EXACTLY THE TYPE OF LOVE I EXPECT, NOT WANT, IN RETURN. THIS IS WHERE I GET SCARED.........

I TRULY FEAR FALLING IN LOVE.....MY "GOD!".......IF I LOVE YOU, MY FOCUS BECOMES YOU, AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO LOVE ME THE SAME WAY....WHO IS GOING TO LOVE ME?